Hello from La Petit Puppe’, the daycare for the discerning puppy owner!
As you may remember, we have a new puppy. After three weeks in her new home, Tess has done her best to leave her mark on everything inside.
Wow. I haven’t had a puppy since Callie was little in 1996. Over the years, I’d forgotten WHY we always called Callie “Monster Dog.”
Tess has brought it ALL back.
So over the past 20 days, as a public service to anyone who has forgotten what it’s like to have a puppy, I’ve compiled a few guidelines.
I hope you find them useful.
***
Puppy Rules
- If it fits in my mouth, it must be eaten.
- If it does not fit in my mouth, it must be gnawed.
- If it moves, it must be chased.
- If it moves and fits in my mouth, it must be chased, played with until it stops moving, and eaten.
- If it makes noise, it must be chewed on until it stops making noise. Then eaten.
- If it’s got one loose fiber, it must be completely unraveled. Then eaten.
- If it is in a flowerpot, it must be eaten.
- If I’m not allowed in/on it, it must be gotten in/on. And, if at all possible, eaten.
- If it’s where Mommy can’t get to me, it must be entered.
- If Mommy wants me in/on it, it must be fled.
- If it’s been peed on before, it must be peed on again.
- If it’s clean, it must be jumped on.
- If it’s another dog’s, it must be stolen from that dog.
- If it’s wet, it must be walked through.
- If it’s dew-soaked grass that Mommy is begging me to walk thru to go potty, it must not be touched under any circumstances.
- If it smells like chemicals, it must be sniffed until I sneeze. Then sniffed again. And possibly licked.
- If it approaches the house/car, it must be barked at.
- If it has to do with Dad, it must be groveled at and peed on.
- If it’s in the trash, it must be removed and shredded. Then eaten.
- If it will make me throw up, it must be eaten.
- If it has ALREADY been thrown up, it must be eaten.
- If it smells like another animal, it must be eaten.
- If it actually CAME OUT of another animal, it must be eaten.
- If it actually IS another animal, it must be eaten.
- If it’s a sleeping dog, it must not be allowed to lie.
- If it’s an old dog, it must be vigorously taught new tricks.
© Stephanie Wetzel
10 responses so far ↓
1 Jessica Taylor // Aug 26, 2010 at 9:43 pm
I’m exhausted from reading this. Now I remember why I have opted to not have another dog until my kids are old enough to help take care of it!
2 Wendy // Aug 27, 2010 at 1:46 am
Yup, that pretty much covers it. Then eats it.
3 Candy // Aug 27, 2010 at 10:20 am
Oh joy. I guess this is why Lucky was never replaced. Because all of these things would happen with nobody here to clean up. Or worse, to write about it.
We’re laughing with you, Steph. Oh wait, you’re not laughing.
4 katdish // Aug 27, 2010 at 10:42 am
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that you are the polar opposite of the Dog Whisperer.
5 Rozy McCormick // Aug 27, 2010 at 10:55 am
That was fun to read and remind myself why I love Chihuahua’s. But knowing me when my older Collie goes to doggie heaven I will probably go into withdrawals and have to reread this blog again.
6 joyce // Aug 27, 2010 at 12:22 pm
hilarious!
7 jasonS // Aug 27, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Before I say this I make the qualification that I’m not directly comparing the two, but having small toddler foster children with us this summer was a challenge in large part because we forgot the ins and outs of all those diapers, messes, tantrums, and more. So I can feel your pain…
8 Heather // Aug 27, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Hilarious!
All the reasons why my husband is telling me we can’t get a dog.
And why I must never let him see this website.
9 Robin Arnold // Aug 28, 2010 at 2:44 pm
I enjoy doggie friends. I especially enjoy my doggie friends who Twitter. But this post is busting all cute and cuddly lap sitting puppy breath tail wagging fetching fun stories they’ve told me. Methinks I’ve been spun a bunch of propaganda.
10 Annie K // Sep 1, 2010 at 11:42 pm
@Katdish – snort!
And while your puppy is so stinkin’ cute, I’m rather relieved it’s your puppy and not mine. I’d be in the ‘twitching’ stage by now.
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