On Twitter last week, my lovely friend Sarah laughed at my use of the word “stabby” to describe my mood at the time.
(Stabby: A word that I can’t take credit for but am totally willing to be considered creative for using.)
Anyway, I was feeling stabby about traffic in the Atlanta metro area, which is worse than usual this summer because my state is currently tearing up our freeway, leading to traffic jams at 10pm on a weeknight 40 miles outside of the city. And turning my drive home from the mall from a 25 minute trip to a 65 minute trip. With two whiny daughters.
Awwww, now I’m all stabby again just thinking about it…
You know what else makes me stabby?
(Admit it; that segue was GENIUS.)
Charmin. Yes, the toilet paper.
First, Mr. Whipple told us to stop squeezing the Charmin. Which communicates… what?
That housewives in the the mid-20th century had no life? That they were so starved for affection from their workaholic husbands who commuted to the suburbs and left them alone every day to watch soaps and eat bonbons that they resorted to embracing rolls of paper? That every grocery clerk was as obsessed with guarding the TP as Mr. Whipple was? (Personally, if I encountered someone like him in my local Publix, I’d probably report him to the manager.)
Then after Mr. Whipple, we were subjected to TV ads with the double-ply and the triple-ply and the blue liquid and the soaking and the absorbing and the — WHAT THE H### DOES BLUE KOOLAID HAVE TO DO WITH TOILET PAPER???!!
(For that matter, why is blue the color of choice for all “liquid” absorbed by hygiene products? But that’s another post for another day: “Tampon ads make me choky.”)
Which brings us to the 21st century, the era of iPhones and Internet and international space stations.
In this advanced society, what images do we rely on to make informed decisions about butt-wiping products?
Well, Charmin believes that we need to see a cartoon baby bear.
Lately, with tiny bits of paper stuck to his bare butt. Or his bear butt:
So THAT’S what the brush by the toilet is for...
In other ads, Bare Bear is using too much toilet paper. Which his Mommy Bear solves by providing thicker, softer, cozier Charmin for his hiney hygiene.
Here are two reasons why I’m feeling stabby about Charmin:
1. They’re solving the wrong problem: shreddy paper.
I don’t know about you, but as a parent, the biggest issue I face with TP is NOT little bits of paper stuck to my kids’ butts.
Is there someone out there who does have this problem? Really, I want to know. Do some of you lose sleep at night over this?
Because I don’t really care. My kids’ posterior regions could be gaily festooned with TP confetti seven days a week… and I wouldn’t want to know.
2. They’re solving the right problem — kids using too much toilet paper — in a totally ludicrous way.
I agree that this IS the real problem.
But let me just say that anyone who thinks giving kids thicker TP will encourage them to use less has never been a parent.
When I purchased –one time– something other than our usual one-ply Scott tissue, do you know what happened?
My children did not notice any improvement in how it felt on their bums.
They did not decrease the number of TP squares twirled off of the roll. No, they used the exact same amount. (which would be 23 per wiping, according to my conservative estimate.)
And they clogged the toilet. Repeatedly.
They also applied about half a roll per potty visit per kid.
So Charmin, if you want me to buy your product, create a magical molecule-thin disappearing TP. You can make it soft and unshreddy if you want. I’ll even tolerate the bare-bottomed bear commercials.
But quit trying to sell me thick TP that comes in 45-square rolls and actually EXPANDS when wet.
Or I swear, I will do more than SQUEEZE the Charmin.
This Ranty Post was brought to you by Katdish, inventor of the katrant. And my hero in all things cranky.
15 responses so far ↓
1 Jill // Jul 29, 2010 at 9:34 am
I totally hate those commercials! They’re disgusting in general, and you’re right–they don’t address the real problem. Now I’m feeling stabby just thinking about it!
(Thanks for the great word–stabby.)
2 Wendy // Jul 29, 2010 at 10:20 am
I used to use Charmin. That was until they came up with one of their ‘new and improved’ versions that yes, left tissue pieces all over my nether-regions. So yes, I do have a problem with that. Well, now that I’ve overshared, I’ll leave.
3 Lainie Gallagher // Jul 29, 2010 at 10:42 am
I HATE those commercials. Completely disgusting.
Do you actually like Scott 1-ply? I accidentally bought a 24-pack of it, and I was angry. I didn’t realize it was 1-ply. I feel like we go through it much faster!
4 Sharkbait // Jul 29, 2010 at 11:08 am
Thankfully I live in a backward third world nation, so we don’t have to watch cartoon bears moon us on national television.
When we need to go, we just grab a handful of leaves and go visit the nature.
5 Steph at the Red Clay Diaries // Jul 29, 2010 at 11:23 am
Jill, happy to share the stabby love!
Wendy, thx for oversharing. It’s what makes you, you.
Lainie, I do like the Scott TP. But it’s all we’ve ever used. And 1000 sheets per roll.
Sharkbait, Leaves, huh? Do you have poison ivy in South Africa? That could be inconvenient.
6 melissa from the blue house // Jul 29, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Well, where I work they use 1-ply toilet paper made from, I dunno, tree bark, and it DOES leave bits of confetti all over the floor and the seat; one of the things about this place I find extra-sickening, knowing that when I go potty I have to step through all these little toilet paper bits scattered about that were previously rubbed against someone’s *nether regions.* I have to think Charmin would be an improvement. Not that they would splurge on good toilet paper around here…
7 Tanya Moyer // Jul 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Oh my word…hilarious! You are soooo right about the toilet paper…all of it! My girls wouldn’t know if I changed from my usual scott 1-ply (great choice!
) and even I did, it still doesn’t stop them from doing the “yank-on-the-toilet-paper-spin-and-grab” they normally do! Great post!!
By the way…coming from another mom of two girls…is “stabby” from icarly??
It is just so right sometimes!!!
8 jasonS // Jul 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Yes, annoying and trying to hard to be cute. I had never once thought about paper on anyone’s butt and I have only thought about since when the actual commercial is on… Blech…
9 Heather // Jul 29, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I hate that commercial, too. (Although I love Charmin–then again, I don’t have kids. Just fish. And they’re good about only using a couple of squares.)
You know what commercial really gets me? Those KY gel commercials. Do I really need to be subjected to a description of another person’s orgasm? Have we no standards any more THAT THIS IS ON TV? Maybe there’s such a thing as too much “authenticity.” Can we have just a tad more discretion in our lives again?
10 DS // Jul 29, 2010 at 3:57 pm
My aunt tells a story of when she went on a date and she was still on the john when her bf came to pick her up. She ran out, and gave him a big hug, not realizing she had toilet paper coming out of her butt.
If only she had used the little brush as Charmin suggests.
11 Helen // Jul 29, 2010 at 3:58 pm
My mom claimed Charmin clogged our toilet. My hubs claims Charmin is the only TP that doesn’t clog our toilet. I could care less. Still, I’m tired of watching the bears sh#t in the woods.
12 Robin Arnold // Jul 30, 2010 at 9:39 pm
I avert my eyes when those bare bears come on. It’s just wrong to exploit cartoon bears.
Ever since we’ve had to deal with septic systems we use Angel Soft. Not because of the obvious church lady appropriateness but because when you flush it totally shreds. Still, my husband’s best friend has been known to hold the TP record of 47 sheets per flush.
13 katdish // Aug 1, 2010 at 11:14 pm
I really think that commercial’s target is very small. Parents with children with hairy bear asses.
14 Marni // Aug 2, 2010 at 11:41 am
I love Beth Moore. I’ve gleened so much Biblical wisdom from her in the last 10 years. But one of the most precious gifts of wisdom she’s bestowed…don’t use “fluffy” toilet paper like Charmin. Her husband is a plumber and talks about having fluffy paper, especially in a house full of girls (like my house) is just begging for constant clogging potties.
15 Marni // Aug 2, 2010 at 11:42 am
Oh, and don’t get me started on the blue liquid in tampon commercials. My poor 10 year old cannot understand that when that “special time” arrives for her one day…it won’t be blue. Nice.
Leave a Comment