In my real life, I have a lot of friends who just don’t “get” Twitter. They say they don’t have time for it  (WHAT? Do they think I do?) And they always ask, “WHY would I want to know what a total stranger had for breakfast?”

(I always answer, “It’s at least as interesting as knowing what COLOR YOUR BABY’S BOWEL MOVEMENT WAS TODAY.”)

(Then we don’t talk much after that.)

Anyway.

If you’ve ever experienced the Twitter, you know how much useful information you can learn from fellow  Twitterer/Tweeter/ Twerp/Twordsmiths. Things like HOW TO GET WHITE TEETH, and WAYS TO EARN A MILLION DOLLARS WHILE SITTING ON YOUR A$$.

But enough about my Tweets.

This week, like every other week on the Twitter, I was edified and enlightened in amazing ways. Allow me to share…

1.

My follower count on Twitter (around 4,500! HOLLA!) may have nothing to do with my social media fabulosity.

KathleenOverby: @redclaydiaries Without glasses and only first cuppa, I just read your bio as ‘former Call girl’….woops

Me: @KathleenOverby WOW. I wonder how many other people think I’m a former call girl? And does that make them more or less likely 2 follow me?

Katdish: @redclaydiaries I’ve just discovered the secret to your high followers count.

Me: @Katdish For 2010 I’m removing the “former” from the profile.

2.

Twitter improves housework.

Me: So I’m kinda copying @HeatheroftheEO & livetweeting housework. But bc of ADD I’m starting w powder room. Annnnd GO. (back soon!)

Me: (one hour later) <throws self down on couch> Why hello Twitter! I just finished cleaning a living room, powder room, & DOG. Done w housework for the day.

Me: @HeatheroftheEO That was a clever way to handle cleaning. (I’m easily overwhelmed, so I benefited)

HeatheroftheEO: @redclaydiaries ME TOO. I think this should be an on-going Twitter-cleaning-for-people-with-ADD event.

Me: @HeatheroftheEO YES. If we did it once a week, I’d be cleaning about 5x more often than I do normally.

3.

Mullets smell like green apples.

jewda: did you know that mullets smell like green apples?

Me: @jewda And apparently cat butts smell like hyacinth.

jewda: @redclaydiaries I’m not sure which air freshener is more disturbing. at least cat butt is something natural, made by God. But the mullet?

Me: @jewda Aw, you don’t think the mullet is made by God? How could he have a problem with business in the front, party in the back?

4.

I’m not the only parent whose photo album is full of extreme-extreme close-ups of my kids.

Me: Does anyone else have this problem? I pull out the videocam & my kids suddenly crowd in 2 inches from it. I’m SICK of eyeball shots.

arestlessheart: @redclaydiaries mine does this with my camera, AND she smiles by squinting her eyes all up…

mrshart03: @redclaydiaries totally – my son also always wants to ‘see’ what’s on the digital screen…

makeadiff21: @redclaydiaries Hahaha. Either that or the hiding from the camera shots. That is what I have of my youngest’s last almost 4 years.

Me: Poll results: Rushing the camera = normal kid behavior. I need a lapel cam if I’m ever gonna catch my kids doing something cute.

5.

PR pitches often have little to do with reality.

Me: I just got a PR pitch from someone who apparently thinks I’m an Orthodox Jew.

marni71: @redclaydiaries Mazeltov!

helenatrandom: @redclaydiaries I just hate it when that happens… (snort)

Me: @marni71 L’Chaim! Nothing wrong with BEING an orthodox Jew. But my ancestry leans more toward Russian Orthodox. Entirely different animal

mylestones: @redclaydiaries you mean you’re not? oh, better take back the kosher care package I picked up to give you at Purim.

6.

It would not be a good idea to ever give me laudanum. Ever.

Me: @katdish @beckfromfrogandtoad Doesn’t pleurisy sound Victorian? Like its symptoms should be fanning yourself & fainting?

[in response to Beck's recent diagnosis of pleurisy (infection of the chest wall)]

beckfromfrogandtoad: @redclaydiaries @katdish It makes me sound like Mr. Woodhouse from Emma. I’m going to start eating only oatmeal and lecturing young women on the moral virtues of dry stockings.

Me: @beckfromfrogandtoad Hee! Oo! Oo! And you’d need to take laudanum. Lots & lots of laudanum. For the fainting.

beckfromfrogandtoad: @redclaydiaries I’d spend my days looking Pale And Interesting. As opposed to Pale And Ghastly

Me: @beckfromfrogandtoad I like it. You’d be like Val Kilmer in Tombstone. I’m your huckleberry.

See? Look at all that you’re missing by not joining the Twitter bandwagon?

Haven’t had enough in-depth analysis?

Visit the Twitter Ho-Down at Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants.