One of my favorite things about air travel

(besides being seated in coach next to a  young 140 lb emo guy who orders a TRIPLE vodka and cranberry for a 2 hour flight)

is the reading material.

I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a stretch.” And you have a point. Airplane reading material IS only a couple levels above the 2007 Field & Stream and Highlights magazines in the dentist’s office. With one exception. One delightful exception:

The GLORIOUSLY INSANE SkyMall Catalogue

You might think that the SkyMall has been “done” to death by Katdish. But have you seen one lately? It has as many pages as the Bible! Fortunately, as a lifelong Christian and seeker-of-truth in the Bible, I knew EXACTLY how to handle a document of that size:

1. Let it fall open to a page, AND
2. Do what that page says.

A questionable strategy for the Bible, but surprisingly effective for SkyMall. So here goes – the first product on the first page I saw:

The SolaFeet Foot Tanner

Golfers – Rid Yourself of Those Ugly Sock Tan Lines!

Looking first at the sandal photo, I was puzzled: What are they selling? Foot makeup? Anklet socks?

Fortunately, the ad copy quickly cleared things up:

If you always feel like people are gawking at your white feet and the unsightly tan lines around your ankles…

(oh my gosh. I WASN’T, but now…)

when you wear sandals or pumps, then you need the Solafeet foot tanner. Those tan lines can be gone in 5 to 10 days with just fifteen minutes a day.

(Or they could be gone in one day outdoors and barefoot. Just sayin.)

Then you can go from the golf course to the clubhouse in confidence.

Price: $229.99

Now I don’t golf, but really, how could I pass this up?

NEXT…

CoverTiques

Embrace Those Plunging Necklines and Risque V-Necks, and Still be Properly Attired for Any Occasion

The secret to enjoying today’s chicest fashions and extending your wardrobe in the process is with CoverTiques. These ingenious accessories fill-in where many of today’s low-cut fashions have dared to go. Worn below the top, moisture-wicking fabric CoverTiques are more comfortable than bulky camisoles, and easier to use. They easily adhere to the skin and garment with medical-grade hypoallergenic double-stick tape so they stay firmly in place. best of all, they’re washable and reusable. Each package contains 3 CoverTiques: one black, one white and one beige with extra tapes included. One Size.

Now let me see if I understand: They’re selling…. A dickey. A sticky dickey, but a dickey nonetheless.

Hee. Sticky Dickey. That’s a FANTASTIC name for a rock band.

Now my friend Helen has said that she has a thing for doily collars, but I think she had in mind something with a bit more coverage. As for me, if I wanted to glue a doilyish garment to my chest, I think I’d just glue an actual doily. Or, I don’t know, wear a CAMISOLE. More comfort, less medical-grade adhesive.

Price: $19.99

Moving on….

Pants Un-Heeled

This WAS a puzzle. Un-Heeled? Is it anything like Unhinged? Because I’m intimately familiar with unhinged. The product name gave few clues, so I looked at the picture and tagline:

Eliminate the Annoying “Pant/Heel Wedgie!”

Well that clears it right up.

What’s a Pant/Heel pant leg wedgie?

(EXACTLY what I was thinking. Is it anything like the 80s tight jeans/panty wedgie? I’m familiar with that…)

It’s that annoying occurrence when the bottom leg of your pants creeps under your heel when you’re wearing open-back shoes.

(Ohhh, yeah. That happens to me all the time with my sweats and fluffy slippers. I might need this product.)

It not only feels uncomfortable, but also can detract from your outfit’s overall look.

(Don’t I know it. It totally ruins the line of my sweats and slippers in the carpool line.)

The Pants Un-Heeled is a disposable light weight plastic adhesive strip specifically designed to keep pant legs from slipping under the heel of your foot.

(Now hold on here. HOW does this adhesive strip “keep pant legs from slipping under the heel of your foot”? Does it glue your foot to your shoe? Or act as a back to your backless stiletto? But if you wanted a shoe with a back, wouldn’t you just wear one?)

Pants Un-Heeled is unique product designed for comfort and conceived out of necessity. Your “Sole-U-tion” to Pant/Heel Wedgies!

(Well that settles it: Any product that manages to combine the word wedgie with a terrible play on solution Must. Be. Mine.

Price: $22.99/pair

Almost done…

Lip Enhancement Kit

Price: $49.95 for two

(which begs the question, Why would I need TWO?)

What did you think of when you saw this? If you have kids, I’m willing to bet that THIS image came to mind:

I also suspect that someone in SkyMall R & D saw the “Scream Extractor” scene in Monsters, Inc, and said,

“Heeeeeyyyyyyy! That’s a GREAT idea!”

Just one more, for my next plane trip:

Head Spa Massager

Price: $49.95

I Want. This. Just think of the possibilities: My seatmate consumes his THREE shots of vodka with a splash of cranberry, closes his eyes, and wakes up to me wearing this:

(Yes I know, I have glasses, longer hair and slightly less five-o’clock shadow. But otherwise, I’d look just like this.)

And with that, I would have invented yet another form of inflight entertainment. (For me, at least.)