It’s Twitter Ho-Down Time!

(Also known as Post-that-requires-no-thinking-since-my-brain-is-swollen-shut Time!)

If you’re not on the Twitter, you’ve missed some of my cleverest stuff – if I do say so myself. We wouldn’t want that, so without further ado,

My week in 140-character bursts:

(As usual, reading from the bottom up makes a LITTLE more sense.)

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redclaydiaries @weightwhat OKAY! I don’t really hate you.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat HATE.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Oh, and did I mention that I still have Thin Mints here?

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins Done. I can’t believe I’ve lived here this long WITHOUT a mullet wig. Must rectify immediately.

HerbieGookins @redclaydiaries I have a mullet wig you can borrow so you can fit in at Wal-mart while you buy your calamine lotion.

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins Thanks to @katdish I’m craving Thin Mints. And thanks to @weightwhat I’m now feeling kinda itchy.

HerbieGookins @redclaydiaries She meant to say she was “off to Brownies” but instead put “off the Brownies” (I’m glad we’re just Daisies. Yikes!)

weightwhat @HerbieGookins “Lo, I have a painful disease in my loins…” No? Going another direction with your letter?

weightwhat @katdish @redclaydiaries Walmart: Where every day is a mullet convention.

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins How did I miss @katdish killing Brownies? Did this happen in Reno? Was it over Thin Mints? (Cuz that I’d totally get)

HerbieGookins @katdish I’ll talk to ya…tell me about killing Brownies. Did you do it just to watch them die?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Keebler: Oppressing elves for 10 generations.

katdish RT @charliewetzel: http://twitpic.com/jwl8q – Bob loves HGTV. //Awesome.

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins The money? I think the gecko needs to make some kind of noise. A SPLURCH at the very least.

katdish @redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins @weightwhat We should start the #FOTTSP Ad Agency! How’s this: Volvo – They’re boxy, but safe!

HerbieGookins @redclaydiaries Ooooo. You are on to something! I think the money should squeal in pain, too, when that happens.

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins Just once I’d like to see the caveman grab the stack of money & SMACK the gecko with it. That’s innovative marketing.

redclaydiaries @katdish Thx for the retweets. Makes me feel all warm & affirmed inside.

redclaydiaries U know what I like? Mimicking my whining 6 year old. She’s amazingly less tolerant of the sound than I am.

redclaydiaries Signing off the Twitter. Y’all are getting my best material. That, & I need to go get a sore-bottomed dog from the vet.

redclaydiaries So I just told @charliewetzel about dog’s anal glands & how they were “expressed.” His comment: “I bet Scruff LOVES the vet now.”

redclaydiaries @Jenidvm Phew. See that @marni71? Turns out we’re good.

redclaydiaries RT @marni71: @redclaydiaries That’s not contagious from pets to humans right? Cuz I’d be concerned abt catching it. @Jenidvm? Help us out?

redclaydiaries @marni71 Would you take care of making those bracelets for us? IKF. We could show them after every questionable decision.

marni71 @sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries @katdish “It’s Katdish’s fault” is the new “What Would Jesus Do”.

redclaydiaries @HeatheroftheEO Bye! Just yell Marco when you come back! And no peeking.

redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter Sorry/You’re welcome. It’s @katdish ‘s fault.

redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter I didn’t mention that they told me how they “expressed” them, did I? Oh wait. Darn it.

redclaydiaries @katdish Leave it to me. I’ll just use my massive social influence & tell them to follow you. Especially the nekkid ones.

redclaydiaries @HeatheroftheEO [whispering] polo! HEY! Are you peeking?!!!

redclaydiaries Heard from the vet. Scruff is ready to pick up. Apparently he suffered from full anal glands. I could’ve lived a happy life w/o knowing that

redclaydiaries @HeatheroftheEO Just start driving south. We could do a kind of Twitter Marco Polo. Or “you’re getting warmerr…”

HeatheroftheEO @redclaydiaries No, your valuables will be fine. Mostly because I’m terrible at geography too, so I wouldn’t be able to find you.

redclaydiaries @katdish Hey! I just noticed that you have 900 followers! Only (whatever 3890-900 equals) to go to pass me up!

redclaydiaries @katdish APOCALYPSE, I’m telling you.

redclaydiaries What’s a #googlewave & why would I want to be invited?

redclaydiaries @jamieworley It can’t be real, can it? If it is, I think it’s a sign of the apocalypse.

redclaydiaries @marni71 I think it depends on the dip. @MarketerMikE said no spam, so leave out the pork products.

redclaydiaries This isn’t real, is it? http://bit.ly/3t49U If so, hold me.

redclaydiaries @marni71 With a screenprint of that photo, right? Otherwise it’d be just silly.

marni71 @redclaydiaries Awww. I love nicknames. I’m stitching that one on a pillow.

redclaydiaries @marni71 Good morning, Princess Underoo!

redclaydiaries @billycoffey @katdish is in fact your spokesmodel, right?

redclaydiaries @katdish Aw, I always mix up them “northern” states. Thanks @billycoffey. Such a gentleman.

redclaydiaries Birthday cake for breakfast? Why yes. That would be delightful.

redclaydiaries Took 2 dogs to vet after kid dropoff. Feeling like I accomplished a TON & it’s not even 9 am.

redclaydiaries It’s … smiling … at me. http://twitpic.com/jnjyw

redclaydiaries My crustaceous birthday dinner: http://twitpic.com/jnc7j

redclaydiaries Birthday dinner time! On the menu: LOBSTER. Again, marriage to chef = AWESOME.

redclaydiaries Spending a quiet afternoon on MY NEW BED w Hannah waiting for other kids to get home from school. Still feeling like poo. But on a new bed.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat @BridgetChumbley Thanks Ladies! So far I’ve celebrated by hosing out my nose. Wheee!

redclaydiaries RT @mdemuth: Note to everyone: I don’t want to be part of the mafia. What in the world? //AMEN

redclaydiaries RT @Helenatrandom: @redclaydiaries http://bit.ly/mYLWe //Aw Helen, u know just how to make me feel special.

redclaydiaries RT @katdish: There is no spoon, @redclaydiaries http://bit.ly/aBVFt //Thx @katdish. I feel so loved.

redclaydiaries Nose swollen almost shut. Sore throat. Cough. Headache. I don’t remember putting any of these things on my birthday list. Goodnight all!

redclaydiaries Watching iCarly w Hannah. The episode where The Plain White T’s sign Spencer’s back. I….think I need a life.

redclaydiaries So Ben Stiller’s on Twitter. Using my MASSIVE social media influence to promo him @redhourben. He’s begging, folks. http://bit.ly/31Vh4R

redclaydiaries RT @Helenatrandom: OMGoogle… http://bit.ly/iJIOl

redclaydiaries @Helenatrandom Yes, I agree on leotards. But those sure looked like the top part of controltop pantyhose peeking out the too-hi leg holes.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Wendy, go watch what @helenatrandom tweeted. You have to. We’ll wait.

redclaydiaries @HerbieGookins When they turned sideways, I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

redclaydiaries @marni71 National Sarcasm Day?!!!! Time to celebrate our heritage!

redclaydiaries @Helenatrandom @HerbieGookins Were the leotard guys wearing control-top pantyhose? Or bike shorts? (I’m a little grossed out either way)

redclaydiaries @Helenatrandom WOW. My daughter is now very glad that she missed school today. Those guys took Uh oh oh to a new level.

redclaydiaries @katdish A moment of weakness. But he reserves the right to unfollow you at any time.

redclaydiaries @marni71 Blergh. How many tissue boxes have you gone thru? My coffee table is strewn. Strewn, I tell you.

redclaydiaries Okay thank you, @bigbluehousemom. Now I have to go wash my eyes with hand sanitizer.

redclaydiaries @bigbluehousemom Oh alright. I’m googling Marilyn Manson and snot. This cannot end well.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat @sarahmsalter @makeadiff21 What good are pain meds if you can’t talk someone into a regrettable tattoo? I mean, really?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat SNOT SNOT SNOT SNOT SNOT SNOT SNOT! Lovely snot, beautiful snot….! (feel included now?)

redclaydiaries @makeadiff21 I’m thinking something clowny.

redclaydiaries @makeadiff21 Aww, cmon. She probably wouldn’t even notice right now with her pain meds.

redclaydiaries @makeadiff21 Hmmm… you may have a point. I think we need to talk someone into testing the theory. @katdish?

redclaydiaries @makeadiff21 That has to be the Most. Disgusting. Song. I have EVER seen. And I know disgusting.

redclaydiaries So apparently my tweets tonight will all be snot-related. I shall give them a catchy name: Mucus Watch 2009. Now for the theme music….?

redclaydiaries @CandySteele Yeah, @purichristos is an instigator. Well, he can HAVE his sinus infections. I see drowning as a good tradeoff 4 breathing.

redclaydiaries I’ve just been invited to join a Facebook group devoted to nasal irrigation. (thx Richard Connolly.) Actually considering joining

redclaydiaries Dear mucus, May I please have my sinus cavity back? Thankyou.

redclaydiaries @lewismoats Hammer pants? U can’t touch those for comfort.

redclaydiaries Did u miss this last night? http://bit.ly/5BgHR I don’t want to be the only one with it stuck in my head.

redclaydiaries @CandySteele Oh Honey. People are gonna begin to think you do that on purpose just to get into @purichristos’ twitter post.