You know how “they” always say that having dinner as a family is crucial to family unity? I don’t think this is what they had in mind:
Dinner conversation last week, in which we began talking about Hannah’s homework: making her own musical instrument.
Me: Hannah, we should name YOUR instrument like we did LC’s two years ago. His was the Cow Horn. Yours could be a UNIC-HORN!
Charlie: But where would we find a eunuch?
Me: Well, we do have Bob or Scruff…
All 3 kids: What’s a eunuch?
Me: A man who’s like Bob the Dog.
2 kids: Ohhhhhh. ….. [pause] EWWWWW!!!!
Abby: What do you mean, like Bob?
Me: [DISTRACTION ALERT! DISTRACTION ALERT!] So Abby, do you need more Ranch dressing on your chicken?
Charlie (Scientifically-Accurate Man): It’s a man without his testicles. [Oh yes. He went there.]
Abby: What are testicles?
Me: Yeah, Dad. What ARE testicles? SINCE YOU BROUGHT THEM UP AT THE TABLE.
[Y'all know that Abby is SIX, right?]
Charlie: Part of a man’s private parts.
Abby: [Blank look.]
Charlie: Haven’t you seen one of the neighborhood dogs with something hanging down between its legs…?
Abby: Oh yeah! Callie has those all over!
Me: [WTFUDGSICLE? I HAVE NO IDEA...] No, not Callie. SHE does not have testicles.
Charlie: Testicles help make babies. Just like you have things inside of you that make eggs. [RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Birds and bees hazard up ahead!]
Abby: EGGS?! I’m not a CHICKEN!
Me: Um, DAD? We’re entering into a conversation that I had not planned to have with our SIX-YEAR-OLD. At least not TONIGHT.
Charlie: OH. ….. So, Hannah, what color are you gonna paint your horn?
I wish I could say we jumped out of the path of that oncoming train right then. And it looked like we had with Abby’s next question.
Abby: Mom, did you know it was M’s birthday in my class today?
But no.
Older kids [in amazing unison]: When I say Testicles, you say Eggs! TESTICLES! EGGS! TESTICLES! EGGS!
Me: [Glare that silently communicates, "I'm thinking of punching you in the kidneys."]
Hannah: …I was thinking maybe yellow with multicolor polka-dots.
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It’s Monday. You know you want to laugh.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Helen // Sep 21, 2009 at 11:19 am
So…Charlie tried to explain testicles to a six year old. Bless his heart…
You must be so proud of the older kids and their ability to get together on that…
2 joyce // Sep 21, 2009 at 11:25 am
sibling bonding…it’s a beautiful thing.
3 Wendy // Sep 21, 2009 at 11:32 am
Can I come over for dinner at your house? I’ll be leaving my daughter at home though.
4 jasonS // Sep 21, 2009 at 12:38 pm
So is there something wrong with this conversation? Sounds like a typical one around our dinner table… I just always say testicles like it’s a Greek name (think Socrates). Anyway, good times. Glad I’m the dad and can get away with this kind of stuff.
5 katdish // Sep 21, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Eagerly awaiting the hoo-hoo conversation. Keep us informed, will you?
6 Jeanne Damoff // Sep 21, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Ha! Love it. My husband is a biologist. The only way I ever managed to maintain my appetite at the table was to nip many conversations in the bud (pun intended). George also used proper anatomical terms for every body part. I don’t think any of my kids made it to the age of six before the train had plowed right through any road blocks I might have tried to . . . (okay, I was going to say “erect” but then I thought “I can’t say that in this context!” but then I couldn’t think of a better word, so there you go).
By the way, you’re the one who brought up the whole eunuch thing. Didn’t think that one through?
7 Annie K // Sep 22, 2009 at 1:13 pm
…just wait until the day when you’re right in the middle of dinner and one of the kids says, ‘so what exactly IS a tampon anyway?’
8 Stonefox // Sep 23, 2009 at 1:55 am
Hi Steph! Long time no see! That is hilarious,mostly because I can so relate, except “testicles” wasn/t the word used, “balls” was!
I’m digging my way out from under a pile of diapers. Don’t know if I will ever be on top again…
9 Grace // Sep 26, 2009 at 12:17 am
Hahahahaha…I needed that! I sure needed to visit your blog tonight!
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