Let me get this out of the way before anything else:
THANK YOU. With all the comments and emails and tweets after my last post, I was quickly overwhelmed by grace and love and light.
Depression is funny.
Not usually funny-haha. Although funny people seem to represent a large portion of the depressed population. Do we do it to deflect attention (ours and that of others) from the negative? Probably.
But this time, what I mean is that depression is steeped in irony.
I know when I’m depressed, I …
React to loneliness by withdrawing.
Respond to listlessness with more lying around.
Get overwhelmed, so I procrastinate more than usual.
Feel like my life is devoid of fun, so I stop participating in all hobbies.
React to distractedness by distracting myself even more.
As I wrote last time, I try to escape a darkened room by moving AWAY from the light.
***
Life makes it so hard sometimes – to know what’s real.
You know how life does that? By claiming to be what’s real.
It calls darkness, light.
It says love is really obligation. Fear is actually caution. Alone is the safest place to be.
Life lies. Or at least it masquerades as the only thing there is.
Thankfully, truth comes via many avenues:
A husband, who wouldn’t stop asking how I was, REALLY. A 1st grader, who drew hearts and smiling faces in pencil on printer paper, folded it, and declared it a special card just for me. An iPhone, finally loaded with music, that played a song by David Crowder to make me go, Hmmm…
Those were enough to show me where the door was.
Then I posted about it, and 20+ messages of hope from readers handed me a torch.
Thank you. It’s lighter in here now. And I think I’m making my way toward the door. I won’t say I’m perfectly fine, because that would be hiding. In the dark. Not a good strategy.
Truth trumps falsehood.
Light overwhelms darkness.
Love conquers all.
I remember now.
PS I heard from some who also struggle with depression. They expressed gratitude, encouragement, or their own sadness. Please, if you deal with depression in any form – or suspect you do – feel free to contact me. You’re not alone.
16 responses so far ↓
1 Helen // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:37 am
Hi Steph. I am glad you are feeling better than before. The littlest, dimmest nightlight can be so comforting in the darkness…
2 Lianne // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:38 am
You ROCK. That is all. : )
3 Peter P // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:39 am
Depression is awful. It hits you without warning and puts you in a downward spiral from which you can feel there is no escape.
I know how you feel and I’m glad that you are seeing light!
There is light at the end of the tunnel for all of you suffering from depression, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you almost definitely can’t find it on your own… so seek help NOW!
4 jasonS // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:44 am
Good stuff- once again. Thanks.
5 sherri // Aug 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Yay Steph! This was beautiful and such a perfect way of describing what I have experienced in the past…
“I know when I’m depressed, I …
React to loneliness by withdrawing.
Respond to listlessness with more lying around.
Get overwhelmed, so I procrastinate more than usual.
Feel like my life is devoid of fun, so I stop participating in all hobbies.
React to distractedness by distracting myself even more.
As I wrote last time, I try to escape a darkened room by moving AWAY from the light.”
Exactly.
I am thrilled that the light is breaking through. It ALWAYS does, because, as you said,light overwhelms darkness!
Sometimes, it takes others to hold the torch, but hey, that’s why we’re here…your family and friends- Olympic style professional torch holders!
Now, it’s up to you to keep the flame burning, cause one of us is gonna’ need it real soon!
6 joyce // Aug 21, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Just before I clicked onto your blog all the power went out in my house. Its daytime but it was really dark…a wicked storm just passing thru. The power is back on now but its still dim in the house. I’m thinking there is an appropriate metaphor here but I’m not clever enough to put it into words. I am happy the darkness is lifting for you though. And I’m glad you are continuing to share about it all. Take care.
7 @ngie // Aug 21, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I am so proud of you for not hiding and thereby worsening things. You are a strong woman.
8 Nina in Portugal // Aug 21, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Praying for you girl!
9 faemom // Aug 21, 2009 at 3:31 pm
That was a wonderful post! I’m so glad you’re getting through this and you such a wonderful support group.
I know it sounds silly, but one thing that helps me is actually taking the time to get dressed up, even in jeans and a t-shirt but doing everything like brushing your teeth and washing your face with an attention to you seems to revive and realize you’re alive.
*hugs*
10 Candy // Aug 21, 2009 at 8:43 pm
You made my night. So glad to see you creeping out of this toward the light. Many of us are holding candles for you. And we know you’d do the same for us. I applaud your candid thoughts. God bless you, Steph.
11 Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life // Aug 22, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hey Steph!
I feel your pain – I’ve been there before, and it is NOT easy. My biggest mental bridge to overcome was that overwhelming feeling of “It’s always been this way and will always be this way”, neither of which were true.
Praying for you!
12 Amy Warden // Aug 23, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Wow. I’ve been absent with school starting this week, but after reading your last two posts, I have several thoughts:
1. You are very brave to write about your struggles.
2. You write about them in such a poetic way that I can visualize a struggle that I’ve previously not been able to truly understand.
3. I’m SO glad you are pulling through. Keep walking toward the light and the love and the TRUTH.
13 katdish // Aug 23, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Good, good, good!
I don’t guess you ever completely escape the darkness. It hovers, waiting for an opportunity to creep back in. But there is much light and much love to keep it at bay. We are never truly alone.
14 Steffj89 // Aug 23, 2009 at 5:31 pm
talking about the things we do the opposite…
when I am depressed I dislike everything about myself and one of the quickest ways to know how i am feeling is to look @ my hair…the worse i am feelig the blonder it will be because somewhere in my head i think if i disguise my true self then noone else will be able to see her and therefore hate her as well…
steff
15 Heather of the EO // Aug 24, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I’m with ya. But I think you knew that.
Thank you for your honesty, because it really does help those of us who struggle in this same way. It’s validation and encouragement in the unfortunate and yet fortunate kinship.
I think it was you that said something about being both full of angst and humor in my comments once. That hit me in the gut not because it’s wrong, but because it shouted “she gets me!”
So thank you.
16 Rebecca // Aug 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I stand amazed at your ability to put so perfectly what being depressed does to us. For myself, I know I’ve already stepped over the edge and into the water when I have to force myself to look anyone in the eye. Withdrawal is certainly one of the hallmarks for me.
If you haven’t already, I hope you seek help to pull through this rough time. I’m glad your family is continuing to draw close to you and lift you up…no one should go it alone.
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