IT WAS A DARK AND PANT-Y NIGHT
(For Katdish: That’s what she said)
A One-Act Play
SCENE: Adults stretch out on couches in living room, engrossed in their own activities. The room is silent, as children have gone to bed. The man reads (final Harry Potter novel). The woman clicks and twitters her way around her new toy, an iPhone 3GS.
A dog stumbles into the room. Clearly, elderly, it totters to a stop in center of room, then stares off into the distance, trembling and panting loudly.
Dog (Callie): HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!
Woman: (to Dog) Callie! (to Man) Oh great. A thunderstorm.
A string of saliva slowly descends from dog’s tongue to the floor. As Man and Woman watch, tufts of fur puff off dog’s back in rhythm to the panting, like smoke from a locomotive.
Dog: HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!
Man: Yeah, I can smell it.
Woman: The rain?
Man: (rolls eyes) No. The dog. Don’t you smell Bob? He’s right under your elbow. (to Panting Dog) CALLIE!
Dog avoids eye contact and, still shivering, begins to pace. Its movement carries it to every corner of room, where it pauses and slowly circles once as if to lie down, then suddenly resumes pacing. The panting, still accompanied by clouds of fur, is continuous.
Callie: HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!
Man: CALLIE! CALLIE!!!!!! GO LIE DOWN!
Woman: Stupid deaf dog. You know she can’t hear you.
Man: Then why can she hear the thunder? It’s outSIDE.
Woman remains on couch, waiting. She pretends to be fascinated by a new app that promises to identify the Moron in any room. She glances surreptitiously at Man.
Man blinks first. Tiny smile forms on Woman’s lips. Man rises from couch, causing Stinky Dog to panic at prospect of being stepped on.
Man, whose foot had already cleared Stinky Dog, now stumbles over its head. He glares at fleeing animal as Woman stifles a giggle.
Man approaches Panting Dog, bobbing, weaving, and waving to get its attention. Dog, which, it now becomes clear, is mostly blind, still startles violently when touched.
Man: CAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO LIE DOWN!
Dog slinks off behind a chair and circles, still panting. The drool and fur continue to emanate from her body. She circles six times, stops, and slowly lowers herself to floor.
Lightning flashes. Panting dog, anticipating the thunder, rises to pace and pant again.
Man: (to Woman) Those are YOUR dogs.
Woman: Click, click, clickity click… Hey! Wanna play Crazy Penguin Catapult?
10 responses so far ↓
1 Wendy // Jul 13, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Yup, it’s all about the new phone…
Poor doggie.
Wendy’s last blog post..Life is Funny – What’s a boven?
2 Lianne // Jul 13, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I just guffawed at this. I am not sure that I’ve ever guffawed before.
Funny stuff! I can almost smell the stinky dog aroma from here.
3 Beth // Jul 13, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I am still laughing.
HUH HUH HUH.
I think God laughs at dogs, too.
4 Jo@Mylestones // Jul 13, 2009 at 9:24 pm
So by “they”, do you mean the dogs? Or the man and woman?
Poor Callie. Even with a fraction of her senses left, she can still sense thunder (aka her impending danger and immediate doom…)
5 Annie K // Jul 13, 2009 at 10:00 pm
That was the dog? I thought you were yelling at your kid. Silly me.
Annie K’s last blog post..Life In The Not-So-Fast Lane
6 Amy Warden // Jul 13, 2009 at 10:11 pm
I still don’t know how to use “surreptitiously” in a sentence.
Amy Warden’s last blog post..Project Week: Day Two
7 sherri // Jul 14, 2009 at 6:36 am
What’s that smell?
Poor dog.
sherri’s last blog post..Are you working hard or hardly working?
8 katdish // Jul 14, 2009 at 8:00 am
Dude. We are SO much alike. We’ve had the “who’s gonna blink first” showdown at our house many times. But our dog’s whine sounds just like the ping on the tweetdeck, so I fein ignorance…
katdish’s last blog post..Re-lent-less
9 joyce // Jul 14, 2009 at 10:48 am
so do you have a book of short stories in the works? you should.
joyce’s last blog post..We interrupt this blog for a funny as in ‘coincidence’ story
10 Steph at the Red Clay Diaries // Jul 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Wendy- What? Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. Too busy with my new phone…
Lianne- What a coincidence! A guffaw is always my goal in my writing. Call it my mission.
Beth- I agree. God totally laughs at dogs.
Probably almost as much as he laughs at people.
Jo- Shut up. The dogs, clearly. We humans have NO influence on them.
Annie- Funny you say that. Substitute a kid name for Callie, and you have almost every other night of the week.
Amy- You…just…did?
Sherri- If they ever invent smellovision, my blog would be perfect for it.
Katdish- Of course we’re alike. But how did you manipulate BEFORE Tweetdeck?
Joyce- Short stories? I’d be willing to turn this blog into a book. Now if I could just find a publicist…
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