So what have I learned this week?
Besides that I’m a twoet and didn’t know it?
(BWAHAHAH! Get it?!!!)
No, seriously.
What I learned this week is…
That I have a dysfunctional relationship with guilt.
How did I learn this?
By spending an entire peaceful day in an empty house yesterday, while our wonderful teenage sitter took the kids to the pool. Imagine it! I got to write all day with NO interruptions. It was everything I had hoped for when I scheduled the sitter for the day.
And yet I felt guilty.
Why?
You know, for not being the one to take them to the pool.
What IS that?!!
***
Look, I know the guilt is completely irrational.
When I asked Charlie why I was feeling it, he looked at me like lobsters were coming out of my ears and said,
“Because you’re a sick puppy.” (He’s such an encourager.)
But there the guilt is, hovering around and spouting advice like an angel (or is that a devil?) on my shoulder.
This is why I don’t get any writing done when the kids are around.
When I’m not writing (and thus AM interacting with them), I feel anxious that I won’t meet all my deadlines. But then when I DO set aside time to write, I feel bad that I’m not available to the kids 24/7.
Kinda makes it hard to concentrate. And I end up doing neither thing well.
***
I think my problem might be, at least in part, an inability to live in the moment. In other words, no matter what I’m doing at any time, I’m feeling like I should be doing something else.
(At the same time? Instead? Not sure.)
Am I the only one with lobsters coming out of my ears? Or angels with horns peeking out from under their halos, sitting on my shoulder?
Anyone else? If you can relate, please commiserate.
(Doesn’t that sound like something Jesse Jackson would say? Say it out loud: “If you relate-uh, please commiserate-uh!” See what I mean?)
Please, if you’ve overcome (or are at least making headway on) this kind of Mommy Guilt, DO TELL me how.
***
For more What I Learned This Week,
Visit Musings of a Housewife.
20 responses so far ↓
1 Nick the Geek // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Good luck with that. I”m pretty sure the cure for mommy guilt like that is a y-chromosome. Guys can shut that stuff off.
Nick the Geek’s last blog post..Xtreme Glow in the dark Canon.
2 Candy // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I was the Guilt Queen for many years – like you, always felt like I should be doing something else. Or maybe it was my inability to prioritize so many tasks. One day a dear friend said to me “Guilt is such a useless emotion. It serves no purpose other than make you feel like crap.” I pondered that for a while (perhaps I commiserated) and realized it was so true. I really was a much better (read: patient, compassionate, listening) mother when I allowed myself “me” time rather than feeling like I had to give every living breathing minute to the kids. And frankly, I’m sure they enjoyed the time away from me as well. I vowed to never allow anyone, including myself, to make me feel guilty again. It simply served no useful purpose.
Candy’s last blog post..Moving On: The last Lucky post (perhaps)
3 Kimmie McCormick // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Wow, I 100% know what you are talking about. I too know what it is like not being able to live in the moment. Like, you wish you could calm your brain and do 1 thing at a time, while entertaining/teaching your child(ren) at the same time. There is no shame in letting a sitter take the kiddos to the pool. I am starting to learn it is actually good for the kids to be away from u. Teach them independence. But, I am a mom of 11 months still trying to figure it all out too. You let me know as u learn through this, and I will do the same, k?:) I love your blogs! Makes me think and laugh at the same time.
4 Wendy // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Yeah, yeah. Guilt. Whatever. What I want to know is, how did the lobsters get into your ears in the first place?
Wendy’s last blog post..Life is Funny – Your mother’s revenge
5 Steph at the Red Clay Diaries // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Nick-
Shut. up. You men have no idea how we women SUFFER.
Candy-
Thank you for some great advice! It’s all so simple, but difficult to actually do. I’m taking baby steps.
Kimmie-
Thank you for visiting! You guys, I know Kimmie in real life, and she is the CUTEST mommy of the CUTEST baby in the world. (And she knows me in real life and still came to my blog. On purpose.)
Wendy-
Well, see, it was like this…
I went over to Jo @ Mylestones’ blog and read her post about her kids’ loaves and fishes story. And when I left I had lobsters in my ears. Weirdest thing.
6 Kirsten // Jun 15, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Oh, the mommy guilt. Try this one on for size. I finally get a few moments of quiet for myself and am twittering and my middle daughter walks into the room and says “Mom, you’re ALWAYS on the computer.” and signs. Oh my heart stay in my chest. Because really, she would only be truly happy if I spent every waking moment with her and only her. Who needs that work thing and does it matter that my sisters might need something? Nah, doesn’t matter in the least.
I tell you, these kids, they are amazing, but can really suck the life right out of you!
Kirsten’s last blog post..New Member of the Family
7 JanMary, N Ireland // Jun 16, 2009 at 1:09 am
I too am well acquainted with guilt, and there is no guilt quite like mummy guilt. I reckon it is delivered to us right along with the placenta!
JanMary, N Ireland’s last blog post..Lessons Learned and Day 1 of Bristol trip
8 Jo@Mylestones // Jun 16, 2009 at 5:00 am
“I think my problem might be, at least in part, an inability to live in the moment. In other words, no matter what I’m doing at any time, I’m feeling like I should be doing something else.”
Hey! You just plagiarized my brainwaves! I think/feel that exact same way. I don’t have any great answers. I do think we need to cut ourselves some slack (on the guilt front), and just pray for help in being “all there” in whatever moment we’re sposed to be living…
As for the lobsters in your ears, I see you’re trying to pin that on me. Really, it’s not my fault. The seat-buckling monster put them all on a midnight train to Georgia, and there was nothing I could do to stop them….
Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..The Miracle of Loaves and Fish Lobster
9 Kim // Jun 16, 2009 at 5:46 am
This paragraph right here- “I think my problem might be, at least in part, an inability to live in the moment. In other words, no matter what I’m doing at any time, I’m feeling like I should be doing something else.”
Is me to a tee! I’d like to know how to overcome it! LOL.
Blessings,
Kim
Kim’s last blog post..The ongoing lessons continue…
10 katdish // Jun 16, 2009 at 7:16 am
I used to have this problem, but then I bought an obscene amount of laundry baskets, and my life has never been the same.
No…wait. That’s you. Nevermind…
If your problem is not living in the moment, here’s my advice: Cut it out! Stop beating yourself up. You’re a good mom, kids are just crazy people. They will grow up sooner than you know, and then you can drive them crazy.
katdish’s last blog post..Katdish: Your questions answered (Part Two)
11 Musings of a Housewife // Jun 16, 2009 at 7:55 am
I think Mommy Guilt is just part of the package. Sorry, I realize that’s not very encouraging.
Musings of a Housewife’s last blog post..What I Learned This Week (Vol. 20)
12 Beth // Jun 16, 2009 at 8:22 am
Timely as usual, Steph! Last night as Frank stepped in the door, I handed him the cranky baby, wailed about how horrible my day was ending with, “I HATE SPAGHETTI!” and ran crying to my room. I’m still not quite sure why I chose to have a break down yesterday, but I suspect a lot of it has to do with being upset because I go through all the motions of being a “good” mom, but many times my mind and heart are just not in it and I’m wondering what is WRONG with me that I can’t just have fun with my kids lately? Truly, I hardly wanted to even look at them yesterday. Smart man that he is, Frank sent me away for a couple hours and I returned a little more human. But the lovely guilt would probably be worse if I had deadlines to meet in addition to taking care of the house/kids! Sigh….I commiserate…and as I pray for some extra contentment and joy, I’m praying for you, too.
13 Annie K // Jun 16, 2009 at 8:40 am
@ Beth, it’s called ‘meltdown’ and it’s ok, really. You are an awesome mom.
You too Steph. Wanna know what my ‘me’ time is? Vacations with no kids. Sounds awful that I’d leave my kids behind. But I do. I need a break from them as much as they need a break from me. I just choose to visit Mexico or some far off place in the woods instead of sending them to the pool.
Annie K’s last blog post..It Goes Beyond The Blog
14 Heather of the EO // Jun 16, 2009 at 8:42 am
Oh yes. All the time. Before we blog met, I wrote a bunch of posts on this very subject.
About my head space, not living in the moment, not being present, mom guilt and how to change it.
I still have guilt, I think I always will to some extent, but it’s getting better as I’ve written through my feelings.
If you’re totally bored sometime (pffft) I’ll send you the links to some of the posts that seemed to help a lot of moms realize some good things right along with me. I don’t like to put links in the comment box because I’d be assuming you want to read them. And also, I don’t really know how to hyper-link in here. Yeah…
Heather of the EO’s last blog post..Maybe the Bad Mother doesn’t even exist
15 sherri // Jun 16, 2009 at 9:07 am
Guilt is a dead end street.
Comprimise takes you places.
“Today I write, TOMORROW I take the kids to the beach.”
Win! Win!
sherri’s last blog post..UNBELIEVABLE- Adventures in Florida
16 Kathy C. // Jun 16, 2009 at 9:18 am
Put yourself in the kids shoes for a minute. If you’re kids like their babysitter, it may actually be more fun for them to go somewhere every once in a while with her instead of with Mommy. Sometimes they need a break from us too. So, if you begin to feel guilty about them being sent to the pool (or elsewhere) with someone else, think of them getting a special treat, a time away from Mom where they can have a different kind of fun – maybe that will alleviate your guilt pangs.
Blessings!
Kathy
Kathy C.’s last blog post..What I learned this week…
17 rachel@justanotherdayinparadise // Jun 16, 2009 at 11:03 am
no help here. guilt binds me like a cheap turtleneck. . .
rachel@justanotherdayinparadise’s last blog post..In want of change. . .
18 Alison // Jun 16, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I hear you. I have that guilt voice in my head too.
Alison’s last blog post..What I Learned This Week #15
19 faemom // Jun 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I’m doing the same thing today! My parents have the boys this afternoon, and I’m wondering how early I should go join them so I can be the good mommy and swim with them. And I know my parents will tell me not to come until dinner, but still.
faemom’s last blog post..The Why Phase
20 dawn // Jun 17, 2009 at 12:34 pm
2009 has been the year of no guilt for me and it’s AWESOME! Whenever I get that feeling I count to 10 and think it away. I believe every parent has guilt within reach at all times..but it’s like the old saying about salt…a little makes it taste better and too much ruins the flavor (at least it’s along those lines). I purged my guilt when I realized that the guilt I had toward my kids was making me 2 dimensional. I couldn’t enjoy anything away from them! I know that’s not what I wanted or was it healthy for them to perceive me that way…it didn’t really help my marriage either. I think kids long for independence and taking the time for yourself gives them just that and gives you time to regroup…motherhood is not about playing with your kids all day, but about being the woman you were meant to be…if that means taking a day to write…do it..there are worse things in life then having a mother that knows her hearts desire and takes the time to do it. They will be just fine and if they are like my kids…the adore the babysitter…she’s probably more fun anyway. Ha!
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