My friend Katdish was recently awarded an Honorary Man Card. And since I like to copy Katdish (Heh. Copycat.), this tomboy needed one too.
Now, it could be argued that my post about 80s clothes already proved my qualifications. But just to increase the voting margin, here’s this story:
***
Early one morning about ten days ago, I found something interesting in my backyard.
Which leads to another interesting factoid about me: I like snakes. I grew up with a neighbor my age who owned pet snakes. Dozens of them (anacondas, boa constrictors, etc), in enclosures lining the wall of his single mom’s bedroom.
(She was obviously a saint.) (Or maybe a woman a lot like me.)
(In other words, a saint.)
Obviously, I needed to bring the snakeskin up onto the deck if I was gonna show it to the kids. So I did what any other woman who deserves an Honorary Man Card would do:
I picked it up.
Since the featherlight skin was both very wet (with dew) and very long (6 feet), I had to hold it over my head as high as I could reach. Even then, as I scaled the stairs, the tail kept slapping and sticking to my calves. But it was totally worth the effort. See?
Cool, huh?
What? Don’t you think so? It creeps you out? Oh come ON. It won’t hurt you. It’s a snake SKIN. That and you’re not actually HERE where it can touch you.
Phobic? Think of it as desensitization.
You’re welcome.
(And if this really freaked you out — remember, it’s all Katdish’s fault.)
***
Now, while the innocent shed skin of a harmless black snake doesn’t bother me, I’m very concerned about THIS creature. Bent on world domination, it raids other animals’ food supply and spies on unsuspecting suburbanites. That’s right.
I’m talkin bout Ninja Squirrel
(Which for some reason makes me think of the theme from Shaft.)
Squirrel!
He’s a bad mother–
Shut yo mouth!
Only talkin bout Squirrel.
We can dig it!
Hide the sunflower seeds before it’s too late.
And I’ll take that Man Card now.
**If you’re new here and thought the post before this one was typical, then I deeply, deeply apologize. Deeply. And apologetically.
The truth is that while I do write the occasional post loaded with spiritual meaning, it’s on about a 1 to 10 ratio with posts like this one. If you didn’t like this post, you might want to take me off your feed reader. I’m just sayin.
(Did I describe the ratios right? It sounds right to me. But then again, I can barely multiply two two-digit numbers together. Oh yeah: I also suck at math.)
19 responses so far ↓
1 Carol @SheLives // May 13, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Let’s see…
A six foot long snake divided by a ninja squirrel times P-31 over a Man Card equals one of your typical, 9 out of 10 posts?
Einstein’s got nothin’ on me, man. Dig i!
Carol @SheLives’s last blog post..It’s Okay to Hate the Proverbs 31 Woman
2 katdish // May 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Well, as you know, I am not authorized to give out honorary man cards. But I can put in a good word for you.
I think you’re at least a shoe in for a honorary redneck-hillbilly card.
katdish’s last blog post..Finding my Voice (by Helen of Random Musings)
3 Wendy // May 13, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Wow, now if that doesn’t get you an honorary man card, nothing will. C’mon Billy Coffey, I know you’ve got an extra card laying around somewhere…
Wendy’s last blog post..I may be biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m not right.
4 sherri // May 13, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Just the photo made me cringe. Bugs, rodents, stinky things… ewww.
The only way I could qualify for the man card is …I do have a healthy appetite. I can eat like a man.
I do like sex, too. Sorry.
I really don’t need a card though. Just sayin’!
sherri’s last blog post..Take Five and Make Five
5 Candy // May 13, 2009 at 7:04 pm
What does Charlie think about you having an honorary man card? If I came home and said “honey, look what I have” I think he might freak. Or run.
I’m with Sherri. I could eat most men out of house and home. I clean up barf with my bare hands and don’t bat an eye. I don’t need a card, though. But FWIW, you deserve something you desire for picking that sucker up and bringing it home. It will be in good company with the pigs head.
So who is the official card awarder anyway? Chuck?
Candy’s last blog post..Happy Birthday KT, (alternately titled Mother’s Day, Part 2)
6 Kim Ice // May 13, 2009 at 7:23 pm
EEEWWWWWW!
Gross, gross a thousand times gross
7 Billy Coffey // May 13, 2009 at 8:12 pm
…holy…wow.
I have to say that is quite impressive and worthy of serious consideration.
I have a meeting tonight with Chuck Norris and George Clooney at an undisclosed location. I’ll bring this post up after the required man rituals have been completed…
Billy Coffey’s last blog post..Letting Be
8 Lianne // May 13, 2009 at 9:18 pm
The snake skin made me die a little inside. I read that part really fast so I could get it off my screen.
I can’t believe crazy ninja squirrel lives at your house too. The one at my house does some pretty crazy acrobatics and has effectively outwitted my chihuahua in escape routes.
Chuck Norris has man cards to spare. He doesn’t even get (man-) carded.
Lianne’s last blog post..Saved by the bell.
9 Joyce // May 14, 2009 at 1:52 am
I don’t mind snakes but despise little rodent-y creatures. Recently I stuck my hand into our little pond to pull out what I thought was a big leaf (obviously I need glasses) and grabbed what turned out to be a hedgehog that had drowned. Triple yuk…honestly I couldn’t do another thing the rest of the day and even writing about it now makes my skin crawl. That ninja squirrel would fall into this same category in my book. Eww.
Joyce’s last blog post..Brilliant! Remember you heard it here first…British Words from A to Zed (Week 6)
10 Sharkbait // May 14, 2009 at 6:35 am
Hey, you get my vote.
But I think you may have lost some points when you asked to be called a ‘glowing’ heathen.
<
11 Evenshine // May 14, 2009 at 8:49 am
YOU DA MAN.
(That’s all I got. The picture of wet snakeskin clinging to your legs is making me throw up a little).
Evenshine’s last blog post..Cutie Patootie
12 Nick the Geek // May 14, 2009 at 9:30 am
maybe the snake is just trying to lull you into a sense of safety because they are in cahoots with the squirrel, cat, bear, monkey butt army.
Nick the Geek’s last blog post..Monsters, Mayhem, and Meritoriousness
13 the domestic fringe // May 14, 2009 at 10:57 am
Ratios? Please don’t start getting into Math on your blog. I can barely handle my kid’s homework.
That snake skin is kinda gross. You really do deserve a man card for that one. My daughter rescues slugs and I really don’t like it, but what’s a mother to do?
-FringeGirl
14 Amy Warden // May 14, 2009 at 11:57 am
Ok, I admit I cringed a bit when I saw the picture. Ok, a LOT. Seriously, slapping you in the leg? Ugh! Although Joyce picking up a waterlogged, dead hedgehog sounds worse. I’m just sayin.
Amy Warden’s last blog post..Making Lotion
15 Steph at the Red Clay Diaries // May 14, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Carol- You lost me at “divided by”. And who is this Einstein of whom you speak?
Katdish – How big is the redneck/hillbilly card? Suitable for framing? I’m gonna need a bigger mantle.
Wendy – Let’s have a party when we get our cards!
Sherri – I could have lived the rest of my life, even after meeting and spending tons of time with you, and not needed to know that particular fact. TMI, my friend. TMI.
Candy – Charlie knew who he was marrying. He’ll be okay as long as I leave the card on the dresser when it’s time to retire for the night. (TMI?)
Kim – You must be new here. Hi, I’m Steph.
Billy – What did George and Chuck say? Am I in?
Lianne – The squirrel outsmarted a chihuahua? Isn’t that like saying the tiger outsmarted a chicken? (If I had a chihuahua, I’d be afraid to have a BB gun. I might get confused while trying to line up my target and hit the wrong rodent.)
Joyce – The hedgehog comment made me throw up a little in my mouth AND die a little inside. You win for gross.
Sharkbait – Ah, but I see no contradiction. I am a mystery wrapped up in an enigma.
Evenshine – Sorry about causing a vurp. Did you bring a change of clothes?
Nick – Say it isn’t so. My beloved snakes are turning on me?
Fringegirl – I draw the line at invertebrates. Fringekid is tougher than me.
Amy – I agree that Joyce outicked me.
I replied to all of you. Either I have too much time on my hands, or I’m busy procrastinating.
16 faemom // May 14, 2009 at 5:18 pm
As I got older, away from the brothers, the cousins, the brothers’ friends, the idiot high school boys where I couldn’t let them see me sweat, I have become more girly, more afraid. Snakes, scorpians, spidres. Now I see the fear in mice. Shudder. Hopefully having boys will cure me.
faemom’s last blog post..Meet Gooey
17 Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life // May 16, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I love snakes too!! I would have totally loved to have found that. Good work!!
And, I most definitely share your hatred of squirrels. But after your shower wall has been gnawed through and you see a peeping squirrel inches from your face while you’re showering, one tends to aquire a squirrel hatred. (http://www.graspingforobjectivity.com/2008/11/satan-squirrel.html)
Who knew we had reptilian likes and dislikes in common? Not that Squirrels are reptiles, but . . .oh never mind.
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life’s last blog post..The Science of Toddler Play
18 thefarmerfiles // May 22, 2009 at 11:05 am
You are going to have to post a whole lot more about snakes to desensitize me! Am I asking for more? YIKES. I have this image of you carrying it up the steps like a windsock. Ew where is it now?
19 Helen // May 22, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I put my order in for a pink and white one, and have yet to receive it. Maybe you could use your pull to ask about it for me? Oh, and see if it is too late for me to add lace fringe….
Helen’s last blog post..Happy Ascension Thursday
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