You know what’s funny? When I go to bed wondering what in the world I’m gonna write about… And by morning the funny has found me.
I present to you,
THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF MY DAY:
Alarm rings.
I roll over and hit the ‘off’ button. Open eyes. To the face of Bob the Dog, just inches away.
(Problem with big dogs: They can look you in the eye just by standing next to the bed.)
What? (Bob stares back)
My dogs and I share a unique form of communication. They stare at me, and I play 20 questions trying to figure out what they want.
I get up. Bob keeps staring, but now he’s dancing like he’s fit to burst with a message for me. I start walking down the hall to the door. Bob trots after me in the dark, until I reach the kitchen and turn around.
Do you want out? (dog freezes in place & looks poised to run in opposite direction) No?
Okay, are you hungry? (dog glances at bowl that still has remnants of last night’s dinner) No?
Are you out of water? (bowl has not yet been fully drained by Callie who always empties it in one slobbery drinking session) No?
WHAT do you WANT? (dog perks up ears and cocks head)
Oh forget it. Stupid dog. I might as well make coffee.
By the way, my dogs only do this to ME. Never to Charlie.
Callie’s hungry? She plants herself in MY line of sight in front of the TV and STARES. Bob wants out? He stands by MY side of the bed – never Charlie’s – and STARES. You people who have whiny or jumpy dogs probably think you’ve got it worse. But I propose that husbands find jumping and whining MUCH harder to ignore. Just like underwear on the floor, they can totally miss even the most laser-like gaze.
Anyway, I’m getting off-track.
I make coffee, coming THIS close to the disaster of decaf again. (Since I haven’t washed my face, brushed my teeth, etc, I’m even less awake than usual.)
Then, coffee brewing, I walk back to my room for my normal bathroom routine. Five minutes later, I exit the master bathroom to come face-to-furry-face with Bob. Again.
What do you WANT?
He follows me down the hall to the kitchen, still staring. But when I enter the lit kitchen, he stops in the hallway. I turn on the hall light for the first time, to better ascertain WHAT he’s trying to communicate with his eyes.
Without opposable thumbs, this dog is like a really bad mime.
That’s when I see that Bob is poised in front of a ”gift.” In the hallway. Inches to the right of where I’ve already walked three times in the dark.
So I do what every dog owner does: I stare at BOB to look for signs of guilt. But of course he is now NOT looking at me. Instead he gazes at the pile in what appears to be doggie surprise. Maybe he has some acting skillz after all.
You stupid dog. You DID have to go out. Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean you get to poop in the house. Stupid, stupid, stupid dog.
(I mutter this, since there’s no point in yelling at him. It won’t prevent another accident in the future.)
How do I clean this up? Well, at least it’s solid. A grocery bag over the hand, in spite of the huge Ick Factor, will have to do the job.
Aw, man. I realize that while I’m picking it up, I really should try to feel how warm it is… BUT, EWWWW.
Sigh. I’m really curious about when it was bestowed. So I … feel it thru the plastic.
It’s cold.
EWWWWW. [shuddering]
Now I know that it happened during the night. And Bob apparently felt it necessary to show me the poo FIRST THING this morning. But I still don’t know which dog left it there. Callie certainly looks clueless … Then again, at 13, that’s how she always looks.
Stupid dogs.
***
So what did I learn today? (I’m all about the life application, y’all.)
- My blog material DOES really come to me as a daily gift, like manna from heaven.
- Hee. I just compared dog doo to manna. EWWWWWW.
- For as long as I have dogs, I will never walk down the hall in the dark again.
I’m just here for your inspiration and edification.
You’re welcome.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Helen // Mar 16, 2009 at 10:57 am
Well, it seems I have missed out on lots of ….inspiration…..being allergic to dogs. Too bad for me….
Helen’s last blog post..What About You, Cupcake?
2 Joyce // Mar 16, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I have a big dog . That staring thing is highly effective.
There is nothing like starting the day with a whiff of dog breath. Especially a Monday.
Joyce’s last blog post..Tomorrow is Another Day
3 Jo@Mylestones // Mar 16, 2009 at 2:15 pm
“And apparently Bob felt it necessary to show me this poo first thing this morning”…LOL… I think he was trying to tell you it was Callie’s doing (doo-ing). If he could have done some other than stare, he would’ve said, “If it was mine, do you think I would’ve pointed it out to you, hmm?”
4 katdish // Mar 16, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Small dog = small poop, just saying…
I’m at my dad’s house (land of crappy internet connections). When I turned off I-10 onto 77, about a mile down, in the middle of a major highway, there is a giant pile of dog poop. How does this happen?
Must be a poopy day.
5 Wendy // Mar 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm
It’s like Bandini Mountain! Only not.
Wendy’s last blog post..Life is Funny – Pumpkin Pie and Monkey Man
6 Beth // Mar 16, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Before the wonderous Phoebe, we had Toffi. She was a BAD dog…but she probably deserves her own post. She used to wake me up at the side of the bed. She did this grunt/groan thing when she needed to go out. Always me. Never Frank. The animals always want me. Never Frank.
I think they know when they meet a sucker.
Beth’s last blog post..My, That’s a Mighty Moody Monster Haiku You Have There
7 Grace // Mar 17, 2009 at 12:15 am
Actually, Bob sounds like a very, very smart dog! He obviously knew from the git-go that the deposit in the hall was an issue (pardon the pun) that he knew would need to be addressed asap. Guess you could even say he was frettin’ about it. The sweet thang.
Grace’s last blog post..Invisible Hero
8 the domestic fringe // Mar 17, 2009 at 8:18 am
At least you didn’t step in it!
My husband is convinced I can read my dog’s mind, but when the dog has her bowl in her mouth and is banging it on the floor, it’s a pretty good indication that she wants food. It doesn’t take a psychic.
-FringeGirl
9 sherri // Mar 17, 2009 at 8:40 am
Thank you very much.
I feel inspired an edified!
I love dog poop stories!
They strike a chord in the hearts of all readers because we can all relate.
sherri’s last blog post..An Irish Blessing
10 Marni // Mar 17, 2009 at 10:56 am
Yeah, I was eating when I started reading this post…ewww, is right. I do appreciate the grocery bag tip though. I always grab a giant wad of paper towels, then get all mad at the paper towels I’ve just wasted. Next time, I’ll use the grocery sack, and maybe my husband’s golf glove so as to have that extra layer of protection…
Marni’s last blog post..The Lost Generation? This is really cool!
11 Evenshine // Mar 17, 2009 at 11:24 am
And you were wondering what to write about? Thank God for staring dogs.
More dog poop stories!
Evenshine’s last blog post..I bind unto myself today…
12 Nick the Geek // Mar 19, 2009 at 9:07 am
I have a large, well tall is a better word because I can hold his collar without bending over and I’m over 6′ but he weighs like 70 lbs, black lab mix. He is pretty cool and does the stare you in the face thing to me.
He was picked up from the shelter for my wife. I did not want a dog. I told her it was her dog and she would have to take care of him. He kept growing and growing until she couldn’t handle him by herself so I trained him and somehow he has become my dog. He struggled with being dominate but not in my house. I’m top dog.
Because of that he comes to me with everything. He will also try and talk which is just freaky. I’m not talking about normal dog sounds he does this weird vocalization that is neither howl, nor bark, nor growl. He moves his mouth and changes pitch so it sounds like loud muttering.
Anyways, your dogs come to you because you are the alpha in their eyes. Tells you a lot about your relationship with your husband doesn’t it?
Nick the Geek’s last blog post..Making an impact
13 Steph at the Red Clay Diaries // Mar 19, 2009 at 10:29 am
Katdish- Yeah. And oddly, the beginning of a poopy week.
Beth and FringeGirl and Joyce- glad I’m not the only sucker/dog psychic.
Marni- I KNEW there was a reason for writing this! If my experience taught just ONE person the proper way to pick up dog poo, I can die a happy woman.
Nick- I agree with you – mostly – about the alpha thing. But I think my dogs come to me because I’m the second-in-command alpha: the one who they don’t fear will rip out their throats if they approach. They won’t even maintain eye contact with Charlie.
14 @ngie // Mar 20, 2009 at 3:57 pm
THIS is why ours is an outside dog. Yuck!
Gives a whole new insight to the promise that our steps are ordered (just typed odored, hee hee hee) of God, eh?
@ngie’s last blog post..Vlog Cooking with Gas
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