I don’t make a ton of verbal faux pas. But when I DO, they are earth-shattering. For months, anytime I thought of this one, I burst out laughing. It was either that or cry.
Originally posted on August 20, 2008:
We flew into London in October of 2005. I’d traveled a lot, but always to non-English-speaking countries. Now I was wide-eyed with wonder. Here I understood the language (mostly), but so much else was different. Vehicles I’d never heard of, different clothes, and such politeness!
Two days into the trip, I was riding in the back seat of a little Peugeot four-door. Charlie rode in the front passenger seat on the LEFT (still weird to me).
Our pastor friend Simon was driving. I had only just met Simon, but he and Charlie were buddies, so they were deep in conversation about church administration. Whee.
In spite of my intense interest in the topic, I started to doze.
Somewhere between awake and sleeping, I was struck with a brilliant idea:
I would ask SIMON about a British term that I’d recently seen on a street sign. It had read, “Caution, Rising Bollards.”
With nothing rising or apparently about to rise next to it, the sign had been a mystery to us.
NOW, at this moment in the back seat of the car, I knew that it was the PERFECT time to ask a Brit.
“SIMON! I BET YOU CAN TELL ME: WHAT ARE RISING BOLLARDS?!”
Long pause.
Oops, I’d totally interruped their conversation. At the top of my lungs.
I sat up.
Hmmm. Both guys were now looking at each other wide-eyed.
That didn’t fit with just an interruption….
Then Simon’s mouth started to curve up a little.
And I realized that I had NOT said “Bollards.”
I had said, in a voice loud enough to halt their conversation,
“SIMON, WHAT ARE RISING **BOLLOCKS?”
As the horror descended, I suddenly was no longer sleepy.
At this point, Simon smiled,
“Perhaps you should ask your husband about that.”
Oh, somebody shoot me. Just shoot me now.
**a British English term for a part of the male anatomy
Postscript: Simon and his wife Ally are now two of our best friends in the UK. I think I endeared myself to them in that moment.
Post-postscript: Wondering what bollards actually are? Well, I’m not sure if I want to tell you. Maybe you need to experience what I did.
(Okay: They’re posts set in the pavement that can be raised mechanically to block vehicle traffic on a street or driveway.)
19 responses so far ↓
1 Dear Gabby // Jan 6, 2009 at 3:10 am
A bit of unsolicited advice…
WHen in foreign countries and you are unsure of a term or phrase, and you're half asleep and you are with males, and one is a pastor, just keep your couriosity under your hat. You don't want to get their bulloc*s in an uproar.
2 Pam // Jan 6, 2009 at 3:52 am
I love this story! Reminds me of an incident in my own life…. I was at the Fox Theatre with a date, dressed to the nines, feeling all polished and sophisticated. During intermission, we got in line for refreshments; he ordered himself a bag of roasted almonds, and asked me if I would like one. I innocently replied , "No, thanks, I'll just nibble on YOUR nuts." Smooth, huh?
3 katdish // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:24 am
Also, when you've eaten too much in the UK, you should never exclaim, "Wow. I'm stuffed." It means something totally different over there.
And seriously, how badly can you misspell "curiousity"? I guess I know now…
4 Steph // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:40 am
You mean curiosity? Yeah, turns out it CAN be misspelled a lot of ways…
5 Steph // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:41 am
Or their boll*cks. Bullocks are young bulls. Just sayin.
6 Helen // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:41 am
You must have been horrified. I don't speak British, either. Until I read this, I had believed I would understand it because I know what "I left my brelly in the boot" means from reading English mysteries. Now I know better. Oh my…
7 @ngie // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:48 am
too funny!
8 katdish // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:51 am
DANG! Okay, I totally deserved that!
9 Helen // Jan 6, 2009 at 7:31 am
Steph, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that blogging etiquette stated that I couldn't kid you in on a different posts comment section if we both frequent that blog, especially since so many of us at Katdish's blog frequent this blog. Please forgive me.
10 katdish // Jan 6, 2009 at 7:41 am
Helen – Ah, don't mind Steph. She just cranky because she's having sugar withdrawls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 20 ounce steak, spinach salad with bacon, cheese and hard-boiled eggs, and a half gallon of low carb chocolate ice cream calling to me.
11 Annie K // Jan 6, 2009 at 8:30 am
Katdish…that beats my 2 banana with yogurt smoothie. (Although I make a mean smoothie I'd much rather have steak. *sigh*) Oh, and learn to use spellchecker or something. I'm just sayin'.
12 Steph // Jan 6, 2009 at 9:07 am
No worries, Helen. I was just making a joke. It's not like I didn't already share it with the known world.
13 Beth // Jan 6, 2009 at 9:41 am
Mmmmm. Steak. I suffered through ramen noodles for lunch but I finally made it to the grocery store this afternoon!!
And Steph, I studied in Spain while I was a college student and asked one of my professors what a bidet was for cuz I'd never seen one before. That was a marvelous moment for me…
14 Helen // Jan 6, 2009 at 9:41 am
I just want to make sure. I wouldn't want to lose my newest cyberfriend or anything.
15 Mulled Vine // Jan 6, 2009 at 10:54 am
Rising bollards are the dog's bollocks. (Hope that translates)
Great story!
16 Mat // Jan 7, 2009 at 4:07 am
Steph – I laughed out loud at your comment today. For some reason, even funnier than yelling, 'Hi may I help you?' is simply yelling, 'WELCOME TO CHURCH.'
17 Dear Gabby // Jan 7, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Just out of pure curiossity, I wuz wandering about the tipe of dietyour on?
18 Steph // Jan 7, 2009 at 12:49 pm
My goodness, Gabby. Your spelling is atrocious. I've been told that gingko biloba can help a scattered mind.
I'm not on any official diet. I'm a diet rebel. At this point, I'm just taking baby steps to try to reset my complete and utter lack of control around sugar.
19 faemom // Jan 9, 2009 at 4:57 am
Awesome! Just awesome. Really. You just have to love the moments you realize your actually a complete fool. For me, it's every other day.
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