My older kids turned 9 and 11 last month, so I suddenly find myself the mother of Tweens. And I’m finding it a bit, shall we say, challenging? I’ll tell you, it’s not all High School Musical and helping with harder homework.
Noooooo, Tweenland is an adventure unlike anything I’d ever experienced. In fact, it’s such an adventure that I’m surprised no one has made it into a theme park.
Think of the marketing possibilities! We parents are always trying to nail down what the next phase of child-rearing will be like. This amusement park could be a kind of 3D “What to Expect” book.
[scratches chin, gazes off into space]
[swirling colors, fade to black. Open on my vision.]
[A man dressed as a ringmaster greets visitors at the park gate.]
Ladieeeeees and Gentlemen,
Welcome! We’re happy to have you as our VIP guests on this fun-filled premiere tour of our brand new amusement park:
Tweenland, The Crankiest Place on Earth!
As we prepare for the grand opening, we want to share with you, our specially invited guests, our featured rides:those that define the Tweenland Experience.
Please join me on the trolley, and we’ll make our way to the main attraction.
***
And here we are! We expect this one to be the most-ridden ride here at Tweenland, and you have a VIP pass!
Welcome to Emotions: The Ride!
This monster roller coaster is like nothing you’ve ever seen before. So full of twists and turns and ups and downs that it’ll make you dizzy. We guarantee that it’ll make you want to scream, or your money back!
Fasten your seatbelt and hold on tight as you rocket from 0 to 60mph in .3 seconds. You’ll blast up Hyperactive Hill and then plummet down to The Pit of Everybody Hates Me over and over again!
You’ll twist around and around on Circular Argument Corkscrew until you can’t see straight!
And watch out for the icy waterfall in I Wish You Weren’t My Mom Tunnel! It can sure put a damper on your day!
With the highest highs and the lowest lows, Emotions: The Ride will leave you feeling breathless (and possibly wishing you were childless)!!!
***
Folks, wasn’t that a blast?! I bet you’ve never experienced anything like it! And you won’t until Teenutopia, our sister park, opens in a few seasons. I should also point out that our Emotions: The Ride replaces Early Childhood’s Mood Swings, which, while plenty exciting, were simply not scary enough.
After a visit to our complimentary wine bar (a feature at every Tweenland except Tweenland Over the Bible Belt), we hope you’ll join us for the rest of the tour.
Up next: The His Fault / Her Fault Bumper Boats!
17 responses so far ↓
1 @ngie // Nov 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm
You will not believe that as I read this a taxi was slowly driving by with loud music playing promoting some product obvious by the gaudy posters plastered all over it. What tune was wafting out of it’s loud speaker? (you might ask) The melody was “It’s a Small World After All”. Perfect mood music for this amusing post of yours.
I know the park well. Mine are 10 and 9. Hold on tight is my motto now a days.
The Tweenland Over the Bible Belt made me laugh out loud!
2 Elizabeth Channel // Nov 10, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Oh my! You are scaring me! My oldest turns 9 in January…I’m not ready!
3 Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life // Nov 11, 2008 at 12:52 am
I love it! Can I schedule this one to post on 5 Minutes for Parenting too? This is hilarious!
4 Octamom // Nov 11, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hee hee! Um, are there seat belts on this ride?
Blessings!
5 SHerri // Nov 11, 2008 at 8:28 am
Great post!
I’ve added you to my favorites!
I think you should offer t-shirts as well, “I SURVIVED TWEENLAND” !
I am a survivor, and proudly wear my t-shirt!
Thank God mine were boys (from talking with Moms of girls, I think the rollercoaster ride is scarier, longer and higher when the girls are taking you on the tour!)
My sons are all grown and out of the house.
Then only real advice I would offer is LISTEN to their hearts, and don’t take EVERYTHING so seriously.
Tweenland was a great place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there!
6 Octamom // Nov 11, 2008 at 9:59 am
I’m completely endorsing your 5 M&M’s ratio equivalency as one piece of chocolate–thanks for doing the math! And I’m putting you on the award list–tried to last night but the comment section had a gremlin–
Hugs and blessings!
7 thedomesticfringe // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:06 am
LOL! I’m rapidly aproaching tween land and I’m scared.
8 Steph // Nov 11, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Thanks for all the comments and tips. Yes, I think Emotions: The Ride needs:
Seat belts (Thx @octamom). Actually, it needs those shoulder bars that come down and lock your entire body in place. Until your kid turns 13. Then it ejects and flings you in the general direction of Teenutopia.
T-shirts (Thx @Sherri). But when do you know you can get one? I think I’ll be waiting a long time, till my youngest is 13. (Only SEVEN years to go!!)
A substitution for the wine bar for the Bible Belt Tweenland (inspired by @angie). I’m thinkin maybe a Chocolate bar? A Golden Corral?
Can I put you all in a focus group?
9 SHerri // Nov 11, 2008 at 4:20 pm
You can’t wear the “I survived the tween years” shirt till the youngest turns 13.
You wear it to the party.
Then at the end of the day, you frame it and display it prominantly on the wall for future motivation to get you through the teen years!
(you may also need a few of those little blue pills many parents of teens rave about!)
I got through “drug free” but I am a little crazy!
10 Karisma // Nov 11, 2008 at 5:18 pm
HAHA! Now THAT was a great way of looking at it! I have been there, done that 4 times already! My baby is now the 9 year old and although he has the occasional snap, he is mostly a placid clown! ( Lucky he takes after mama in this respect, we quite often look at each other and raise eyebrows at the antics of the older kids, then burst out laughing). Although of late, his 11 year old brother manages to break the cool and rile him up at times. (I just now heard him growl, “get off me or I’ll break your head off” Sounds like a wrestling match is on now)
Emotions……..Ah that takes me back. dd2 really had a rough ride on that one….come to think of it, so did the rest of the family! Thank goodness she is all grown up now! Mind you, you still want to keep out of her way when shes cranky!
Ahhhhh! Now if you think that was a scary ride, imagine having 3 teenage girls all PMSing at once! And throw in a couple of annoying little brothers! Now that WAS a ride for our money!
11 Anne // Nov 11, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Mine are 12, 13, 16, 17 – the oldest being girls. I buy tons of wrinkle cream because the brow lines seem to be increasing(!). Hormones are a VERY interesting thing at these ages – most definitely. Duct tape is an awesome thing (just kidding!). Great post though Steph I thoroughly enjoyed it (you shameless promoter!). (Yes, I caught up with you at Sherri’s!)
12 Stonefox // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:03 pm
This was hysterically funny and frightening all at the same time. Oh my, the pit and the tunnel sound like…well, the pits. Can I get off this inevitable ride?
13 Shane // Nov 12, 2008 at 2:12 am
I thoroughly enjoyed this trip! I’ll be there in a few short years. Those darn girly emotions. I swear even though they aren’t bleeding, I know they are getting their period moods! =0
14 ladyfi // Nov 13, 2008 at 8:27 am
This was funny! I’m still at the Mood Swings stage but your Tween scenario is scary… help!
And thanks for stopping by and visiting me in Sweden today.
15 @ngie // Nov 13, 2008 at 1:17 pm
… focus group? Yes. Support group too – yes!
16 notsosahm // Nov 15, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I love it!!! You’ve got to get this published and disseminated to the widest audience possible. My husband was laughing right beside me as I read it to him. We’ve got two girls, the oldest is six. I guess I should start praying now…
Thanks so much for submitting this to BPOTW!
17 Elizabeth // Nov 21, 2008 at 8:45 am
Sounds like you’ve got girls! But boys do the circular reasoning fight really well, too!
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