Okay, I know this sounds lame, but I totally want it…
To get the full effect after you click on the link, be sure to scroll down and watch the video and read the reviews. Anything marketed to bachelor guys is right up my alley.
See, I don’t cook. After twenty-something years as an adult, fourteen years as a wife, and almost eleven years as a mom, I’m basically a bachelor guy. With b**bs.
…
When I was single, I lived on cold sandwiches. And cereal. Maybe a 99-cent meal from Taco Bell.
Or the occasional Lean Cuisine. But even those were a lot of effort. First you have to find in freezer behind all the ice cream. (That’s harder than it sounds. Cuz I like ice cream. A lot.) Unwrap meal. Get out knife. Put knife back because you don’t want to wash it. Slit package in appropriate place(s) with fingernail. Put in microwave and cook for two minutes.
Yeah. Too much work. Just couldn’t be bothered.
…
Every once in awhile, out of the blue, the urge to “cook” would strike. I’d try to make a real meal. That’s what led to the Meatloaf Incident of 1990:
While making meatloaf for myself, I misread the recipe and instead of 1/4 teaspoon of black pepper, I added 1/4 cup.
…
Couldn’t. Even. Eat it.
Do you know how much meat I had to throw away?! It broke my heart, but it was either that or feed it to the cat. And I didn’t have a cat. And the roommates, after they stopped laughing, warned me that they’d let it rot in the fridge before they’d touch it.
…
I decided it was best for everyone if I stayed out of the kitchen.
…
Fortunately for me and the kids, my husband cooks really well. Even when he was a bachelor guy, he cooked things like pasta alfredo or jambalaya or roast chicken – for himself. For fun.
I’ve mentioned before that we’d all have scurvy if it weren’t for him, and it’s true. Okay, maybe not scurvy. I can heat up green beans.
But certainly hardened arteries.
When the hubby’s out of town (as he will be soon! Ack!), my kids and I gradually degenerate into wild animals. Fat-loving, greasy-lipped wild animals. We survive on frozen chicken tenders and beanie weenie and Domino’s pizza. Or usually they talk me into the Burger King drive-thru.
…
With the amazing Toastabags, I could add toaster omelettes to the mix! Or pork chops!
Wait. Pork chops? Okay, I think I draw the line there. I’ll pass on Trichinosis Delight, thankyouverymuch.
Back to the wonders of Toastabags… Ahhh, toasted cheese, as they call it across the pond. Bacon. Reheated pizza. Salmon fillets!
Yes, salmon fillets. That’s what the site says. Why would they lie?
To have a balanced meal, I’ll just microwave a can of green beans. Or salad. I can handle salad. As long as it’s the prewashed stuff.
My birthday’s coming up… I think I’ll put it on the list! Mom, you wondered what to get me? Well, here ya go. (Be sure to ask for expedited shipping. I need it by the 24th.)
(Thank you Daily Candy!)
PS I hate WordPress and how it won’t let me double-space. Gotta learn me some html. Oh yeah, that’ll happen. Right after I learn to cook.
6 responses so far ↓
1 alece // Sep 17, 2008 at 3:13 pm
this made me laugh.
especially because my specialty is … cereal. yeah. i kiss better than i cook. at least that’s what my husband says.
2 gl0wdie2 // Sep 17, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I am throwing myself on the mercy of all your readers as the
In your cooking defense, you could open a bakery. Nobody makes better cookies than you do. I do remember us baking cookies and I even have a picture of a cake we made that you decorated with cake decorator tips. I was into cake decorating and you caught onto that easily. So, I’m sure you could be a good cook. But heck, with a former chef in the house who wants to! He’s a tough act to follow. I always look forward to his award
rotten the mom who didn’t teach you how to cook. I came to the realization of just how clueless you were when you told me you put 1/4 cup of pepper in your meatloaf. I’m not sure why I didn’t teach you to cook since I taught you other necessary survival skills. As partial pennance, I happily will purchase you toastabags for your birthday. They sound pretty creepy to me, but if they make you happy, I’m happy
winning meals.
3 Steph // Sep 17, 2008 at 6:33 pm
@alece,
I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m always glad that Charlie was NOT looking for a good cook…. I wouldn’t've even been in the running.
@mom,
Thank you for the kind comment about my baking. It’s true — I do make a wicked chocolate chip cookie. As for my cooking, I’m sure you know, and are graciously not saying, that a teacher can only teach a cooperative student. And I wasn’t what you’d call “cooperative.”
I think other words would better describe me as a kid. Perhaps the tamest would be “pain in the neck”?
4 Elizabeth Channel // Sep 17, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Yes, your meatloaf incident reminds me of a similar Falafal incident of, I believe, 1994. I don’t need to go on and on but I will say my husband labeled them “Cho Cho Balls” and said they tasted like soap.
5 Heidi // Sep 18, 2008 at 6:20 am
Well tell us if this wonder works, because I think you’ve got a lot of company out here in no-cook land! And the html? I’ve given up!
6 Steph // Sep 18, 2008 at 6:59 am
@Elizabeth,
Awesome. Cho Cho Balls.
@Heidi,
Oh Heidi, you KNOW I will blog about these things, for better or worse. A post about them could almost write itself!
Both of you: I am SO glad I am not alone out here! Seems like so many mommy blogs have a recipe component. Not likely to appear on my blog. Unless it’s for English muffin mini pizzas with Ragu pizza sauce. My “speciality” last night. I DID grate the mozzarella all by myself.
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