Happy Labor Day! I hope your three-day weekend has been relaxing. Mine ended up being challenging.

So I’m at Publix Sunday when someone cuts in front of me in the pharmacy line. “Have y’all seen a cell phone here?” a heavyset woman my age asks the pharmacist in a thick Southern accent. “I only been here and home, and I done looked ever’where else.”

Well, I think, she’s obviously uneducated. Then she keeps talking and asks about filling a prescription. (HeLLO? I’m standing here and I’m next!) Also rude. It doesn’t help that she seems to be acting suspiciously. Is she a shoplifter? Plus she’s wearing clothes that belong on a much younger and thinner woman, and she smells distinctly of cigarette smoke.

As she and the pharmacist talk, another woman walks up to me: “Excuse me.” Great. Another annoyance.  But she turns out to be a pleasant-looking middle-class mom with child in tow. She asks if I’m there to refill a prescription.

Why yes, yes I am. “Well, I’ve got a coupon for a prescription refill that expires today. I’ve been hanging onto it, but I don’t have any prescriptions to use it on. It’s for a $25 gift card. Can I give it to you?”

Um, yeah! Score! I thank her and smile to myself. I just got $25 toward my grocery bill!

Line-Cutter Woman has walked off by this point, but she comes back while I’m paying for my prescription. This time she asks the pharmacist to hold off on filling her scrip because her insurance doesn’t cover it and she can’t pay the full price.

Whatever. I get my meds and my GIFT CAAAARD (sung in the voice of angels) and head off to pay for my groceries. What a cool blessing!

God interrupts my celebration with a phrase I’ve heard many times before: “You’re blessed to be a blessing.”

You’re right, God. I don’t really need this money. I should give this card to someone else, so I won’t use it on today’s bill. I’ll save it and wait for you to tell me who it should go to.

“How about “Line-Cutter Woman?” You know, the one I placed at the pharmacy counter with you?”

Oh. Er. Um. Great idea, God! Oh, but I wish you’d mentioned it earlier. See, she’s already left. That certainly is too bad.

I pay for my groceries and push my cart outside. And of course, in the parking lot, there is Line-Cutter Woman. She’s getting into an SUV a few cars away from mine. I actually have to pass her to get to my vehicle.

“Why look! She’s still here.” God totally has a smirk on his face right now.

Sigh. But God, I don’t like her. I don’t want to give it to her.

“You’re blessed to be a blessing.”

Yeah, but not to her! She doesn’t deserve it! She could quit buying cigarettes! I bet then she could afford her Xanax.

I’m being really snarky at this point, since I take an antidepressant myself.

I obviously need to stall, so I tell God my terms. IF she’s still there when I finish loading my truck, I’ll CONSIDER walking over.

As I close my SUV, Line-Cutter Woman backs hers out of her parking space and starts to drive slowly away. She’s going so slow that I could probably walk fast and catch her. But I still don’t wanna. She stops at the end of the aisle and idles there for 30 seconds as if considering which way to turn. I know I could totally catch her. BUT I DON’T WANT TO.

I’d love to end the story by saying that I wrestle with God a little longer, then he ultimately wins. But I can’t say that. Because I let her drive away.

That’s right. I stay rooted by my truck until she drives off to who-knows-where.

Typing this a day later, I’m still surprised at myself. I’ve had many of these God-prompts in the past and willingly acted on them. So what has changed? Here’s what comes to mind:

1. I’ve allowed financial blessing to weaken my faith. And only now that money is tight for us can I see it. For me, it’s always been easy to give away money when I’m living on the edge of God’s provision myself. Over the past few  years, I got too secure in my circumstances. When those changed, I forgot who I could depend on to provide.
2. Charlie and I had just discussed the budget, so I was more tuned in than usual to our financial status. Usually I skip blithely through life, happy to give away money that I understand only in the abstract. I see now that a sacrifice is more difficult if you actually understand what you’re giving up. (Yes, you can call me the Queen of Denial.)
3. I judged the recipient. Even after I considered giving the card away, I wanted to do it on my terms. Now I think this is just one symptom of a lack of surrender. I rationalized my unwillingness to part with the gift card by focusing on the recipient’s flaws. But even if she’d been more like me, I probably would have found another excuse to disobey.

I disobeyed God over a $25 gift card that I hadn’t even earned. What selfishness. I’ve since apologized to God. He is gracious to his children, so I know he forgives me. Punishing myself for something that I NOW have no control over is NOT what he calls me to do.

Thankfully, God is sovereign. He loves Line-Cutter Woman as his child. He’s not sitting up in heaven all, “Oh no! Stephanie didn’t do what I asked. Whatever will I do to meet that woman’s needs?”

He doesn’t need MY HELP to provide for her. But I’d love another chance to participate in his provision. So I’ll definitely have my eyes open for “Gladly Let Her Go First Woman” everywhere I go this week. I don’t intend to miss the opportunity if God presents it again.

I’ll be thinking about this for awhile…