Okay. Here I sit with second-novel syndrome – after one blog post. The handful of comments I received (on my Facebook page) were positive. Most commented on what I said about manna, which I’d considered a kind of throwaway analogy. So I seem to be on the right track. Good, right?

Well, yeah. But here’s today’s problem: how do I follow that? I don’t mean to compare myself to a bestselling novelist. But I’d judge yesterday’s post a “success.” I think it succeeded because it spoke to people in ways I couldn’t predict or plan. So I’m a little befuddled. How does one try not to try? Or try not to be aware?

Philosophically, I think I get it. I have to obey what I feel called to and let God do the rest. But barring a message from a burning bush about my writing topic, how do I decide what to write? I’m so confused with it that I’ve decided to just start typing. May my confusion be helpful to you in some way.

First of all, I’d like to say I really wasn’t planning to write from my weakness. I’d hoped to figure out a topic like parenting or marriage or even household management that I could write articles on and get published and maybe even make some money. I guess I still might do that sometime. But in the meantime, I seem called to share how much I don’t know.

So on that note, let’s try this for today:

 The Top Six Reasons You Should NOT Do As I Do:

1.  I care way too much about what others think of me. I’m self-absorbed. I really believe that others are focused on my flaws and foibles… that it’s all about me. I’m only now realizing that when I meet someone new, the thing that both of us are thinking about above all else is – ourselves. It’s like looking in a mirror; I worry what they think of me, and they worry what I think of them.
2. I tend to hide from connection. This probably goes with #1. I’ve always felt like an outsider – in my family, at school, in my employment, and now even in my kids’ school. But my natural reaction isn’t to try to connect; it’s to stay separate. I suspect that the adjective most often used to describe me might be “aloof.” I don’t like it, but I’m still working to change it.
3. I let fear stop me from doing what I need to. See: the fits and starts of this blog. Also: my unwillingness to connect. That’s at least partly based on fear. I don’t take enough risks, even when I know God is calling me to.
4. I don’t treat my kids the same. I’m serious. I truly love all three. But one is harder to treat lovingly than the other two. Not because she’s a bad kid. No, it’s because she’s the least like me. Ironically, this means she’s the best-behaved. But I “get” the other two. I can understand their motives for their actions, I can anticipate how they’ll disobey, and I’m rarely surprised by anything they do. With this child, I am constantly surprised. I have to work so hard to figure her out and deal with her appropriately, and sometimes I blow it. And she can tell. I have to apologize a lot.
5. I tend to stick with what’s easy and fun. Now this is probably a function of my personality, and I might not ever be able to focus and follow through like some of you responsible types (and the above-mentioned daughter is one of you). But I know I’m called to make changes in this area, and I don’t feel capable of it. I’m still really worried that I’ll bail on this blog thing.
6. I give myself too much grace, and others not enough. My default is to think I am a better driver, parent, wife, writer, editor, (fill in the blank) than anyone else. I’m quick to judge other people, and I let myself off the hook too easily. Another reason I’m worried I’ll bail on the blog.

I really don’t like serving God where I’m weak. I don’t feel like I can impress him or others. But I guess that’s the point. God doesn’t want me to try to impress him. And there’s certainly precedent for His love for weak people. Jesus even said about his followers, “The spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (Matthew 26:41). This was right before they fell asleep when he needed them and later ran away when he was arrested. He knew they would, and he let them be with him anyway.

 For me, I think Paul is a great model. He spoke of weakness fairly often, but this is my favorite passage:

  7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

 So hey, let’s delight in how flawed we are. And be even more amazed and in awe of God’s power to use us in spite of ourselves.