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Over the past six months, I’ve been pondering “what I want to do when I grow up.” At age 40, for the first time in over a decade, I will have freedom during the day to do whatever I want. My youngest child is going off to kindergarten.

“Whatever I want” has been both freeing and intimidating. Do I get a job? Do I focus on actually keeping my house clean? Do I volunteer somewhere? Help my husband with his freelance writing work? Train for a triathlon? The future lies open ahead of me. With the blessing of my husband’s income and his belief in me, I don’t have to earn anything in this endeavor.

But I’ve obviously been overwhelmed with choices. I suspected writing was a component, since I’ve been wrestling with that impulse my whole life. By that I mean that I’ve been good at it for as long as I can remember. Yet I completely resisted it until about five years ago. In recent years, I’ve gone back and forth. This fall, I suspected that I was going to have no excuse: I’d have to surrender.

Anyway, because I’ve been in this transitional stage, I’ve been sensitive to any event or lesson that points me in a vocational direction. Not coincidentally, our church has challenged all of us to focus on one of four areas of growth over the summer (The 79Days Challenge): marriage, parenting, finance, or career. So I’ve received tons of resources to help me figure out my work. On top of that, my research-happy husband has recommended a couple books and personality tests (Strengths Finder and the Myers-Briggs Test). I now know more about myself than I ever have in my whole life.

So on to last Sunday at 12Stone: Dan Reiland was our preacher, with Pastor Kevin gone for the month. What did he preach on? Finding your “voice.” It was illustrated by a clip from “Britain’s Got Talent” that has been pretty popular on YouTube.

The female judge’s reaction when he hit the money note at the end? That was mine too. Such a sense of rightness, that the singer was doing exactly what he was made to do.

Dan went on to talk about how we each need to find – and use – our “voice.” We looked at Romans 12:4-8 to learn more.

4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. (NIV)

I was really struck by the phrase “by the grace given me.” The Apostle Paul used it to preface his statement – his exhortation – to the reader. Now I don’t know if this is theologically sound, but I interpreted it as referring to how and why he wrote what he did. He was using his gifts. I say that because later, in verse six he used the same phrase for how we’re supposed to use our gifts. “We all have different gifts, according to the grace given us [emphasis mine]….”

The gifts are clearly given by grace; they’re undeserved, unearned, and supernatural. We only have them through God, and we’re supposed to use them under those conditions.

Which brings me to my point: We’re supposed to use them. My gift is encouragement. I have been using it, but not the way I believe I’m supposed to in this next season. Just a few months ago, my friend and hairdresser Jenn, in the midst of what I considered an ordinary chat, told me I needed to write a book. I didn’t understand her at first; it’s not like I was giving advice at the time. I was just talking off the top of my head about some mundane experience and my reaction to it. I assumed she meant some kind of memoir, but I had no idea what part of my boring story had impacted her. Fortunately she went on to say that what struck her was how I interpreted my experience, how I pursued growth from it.

Here’s what strikes me: someone actually told me that she’d benefit from more of my encouragement, which is my spiritual gift. And this week I was again reminded that I need to use that gift of encouragement.

For months I’ve been wondering what I should be writing (book, article, essay) and what it should focus on (eg: fictional story, memoir, parenting, marriage). I keep waiting for some overarching theme. Some topic I could dive into and research and polish and edit until it was ready for a magazine or a publisher. A couple obstacles have stood in my way, though. First, I have a terrible memory. I don’t remember what happened a week ago most of the time, much less what I got out of it. Second, I have very little self-discipline. I’m constantly trying to get better, but the reality is that I only tend to do what I’m excited about. Once the excitement wears off, I really have to struggle to finish anything.

Maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe God is actually using my personality and strengths and weaknesses to guide how and what I write. Could he be using me in the way he uniquely made me? (What a concept!) So maybe I’m supposed to write on a regular basis what I’m experiencing right then, and how I interpret it. I certainly can think of one medium (which didn’t even exist a decade ago) that has that kind of immediacy: a blog.

So maybe the reason why I have no grand vision for a book or articles is that my encouragement is best expressed in the moment, as it comes to mind, and at least sometimes when I’m not even aware of it. Maybe that’s how God plans to give it to me: a little at a time. Like manna. If manna is truly the metaphor, then I have to use today’s portion today, because it won’t keep until tomorrow. Wow. It’s like a mini sermon prep (or article research). Instead of weeks of study and research (and months of pre-prep), I get two hours or whatever amount of time I can budget for writing.

I have tons of unfinished essays and articles that languish on my hard drive, and I have no desire to readdress or polish them. Maybe that’s not a character flaw. Maybe the God-breath has passed for them. Maybe they’re “spoiled” like manna that the Hebrews tried to collect and save up. So I either use the day’s share or I might as well throw it away. What a level of accountability and self-discipline! Seriously, I’ll be able to do this only by “the grace that is given to me.”

Ack. So now what? Do I start writing what I’m learning each day, and publish it in the same day? And repeat daily? Do I start with this entry? All I can conclude is that it’s better for me to do it and feel silly than to put it off and miss the wind of God’s spirit. So here goes. It doesn’t feel very profound or impactful. I don’t even know if I sound especially intelligent. If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you’re willing, please let me know what you think. If you’re curious, my previous posts (made a couple times last fall) seem to show the few times I used the day’s manna and recorded it. If I’m supposed to do this daily, I pray that God gives me the grace to do it.