I haven’t written or blog posted in a couple weeks now. Instead I’ve surfed the web, procrastinating writing because now it’s WRITING, a task I’ve assigned myself, and thus something to be avoided. (But that’s another topic.)

I was thinking yesterday during church about my talents. I don’t remember what PK (our pastor, Kevin’s, nickname) said that triggered it, but I began to wonder if maybe I’ve been the servant who only received one talent – and buried it (Matthew 25:14-30). I wouldn’t have thought that before, since I was always doing SOMETHING in ministry. But now I wonder if a reason that servant buried their one talent is because they really wanted more – or different – talents, and were instead focused on getting or using those.

I recently gave up a cool writing job that would’ve gotten me lots of recognition – at least from people whose opinions mattered to me. In fact, I handed the job over to my DH, in whose shadow I’ve long struggled with toiling. I knew it was the right way to go, but after the meeting where we passed the baton, I went home feeling bad about myself. Like a failure. Then I felt disappointed that once again I wouldn’t get to do a big important thing for God.

What if I’ve spent all my energy as an adult trying to be a “leader” in the organization called “church”, moving up the ranks and working with the top leaders, when it was never my talent? I have a hard time giving that up even now. I want recognition. Fame. I want to do something big and significant and far-reaching.

Till now, I thought that was a guy struggle – self-esteem tied into what they do. Now I think it might be my problem too. I’ve had entrée into the world of top leadership for awhile now, too. First as a megachurch exec pastor’s assistant for a couple years, and since then as the wife of a writer for a famous leadership guru. I’ve looked into that world, and now I think maybe my sense of worth was linked to contributing to it.

So… the question now: what’s my one “little” and “insignificant” talent? Something I’m not gonna get any credit or fame for? Now, I recognize that it might not literally be ONE talent; it’s just not a TOP talent (by the world’s standards).

I think maybe I AM doing something with my talent lately, and it seems connected to encouraging other women. Right now I’m mentoring a young woman one-on-one, and I’m writing (trying to write) this blog. So far nobody seems to be reading, but I know enough to believe that you obey first, without expecting results or a visible response. So we’ll see.