What is it about the spiritual disciplines that I so strongly resist? I’ve been a Christ-follower for over 30 years. I know how much I benefit from keeping a regular appointment with God. It’s the only reason I get up at 5:30 a.m. every school day — ostensibly to give me time alone to pray, journal, or study Scripture before I have to wake the kids. I’ve carved out a full hour of quiet time every morning.

Okay, so what did I do with it today? Let me tell you: I checked email. I followed an interesting link in an email. I checked the weather. Then I surfed all the Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving) ad sites. I wasted an hour doing nothing of any importance. I only get a few hours a week all to myself, and I used it to play. What is wrong with me?

I know what it is. Let’s just say I have a problem with authority. My mom was a little controlling, and I responded by rebelling. When I was supposed to do homework, I played. When grounded from TV, I snuck and watched it anyway. As a kid home alone, I wasn’t allowed to cook anything – even with the toaster oven – till my teen years. So what did I do as a tween when Mom wasn’t home? I toasted bread… AND lit every candle in the house.

Unfortunately, my rebellion usually cost me. I wasn’t even aware of the biggest price until adulthood: an absence of internal discipline. It took external force — or nagging — to get me to obey.

What does this have to do with reading my Bible and praying? I’m still a rebel at heart, and I have to fight for internal discipline every day. Something still rises up within me whenever I tell myself to do anything. I decide to cut back on sugar, and within a week I’m all, “Let’s eat brownies for breakfast! I decide to keep up with laundry by doing a load a day… and days go by without me entering the laundry room. Right now, to get to the utility sink I have to wade through at least 5 loads on the floor. I decide to start a blog on my spiritual journey and THE NEXT MORNING I’m refusing to even think about writing. In essence, I rebel against myself — and probably God. Acting on this temptation only hurts me.

So here goes: I’ll confess it to you (and God) in this posting. Maybe that’ll teach the 11-year-old who still lives inside me that she’s better off just doing the right thing. In the meantime, I hope I find out that I’m not alone in this.

And just in case you were wondering, a good website that is already showing the ads for the day after Thanksgiving is www.tgiblackfriday.com.

(You know you wanted to know.)